Ambushed by Grief

Yesterday I had a major grief “moment” (two hours plus…..) as I went into Loveland in order to pick up some granola for Nathaniel and a belt at Kohl’s for Bethany. Sam’s was my last stop and it was already mid-evening as I wheeled my cart into the cereal aisle. For some reason Sam’s in Loveland has really hit me with grief every time I’ve entered its doors. I don’t remember Sam’s being particularly “special” to Gary and me. Maybe I went typical grocery shopping by myself but possibly we went together more often to Sam’s? I’m really not sure. Maybe part of it is that Sam’s is the antithesis of family. As a single person you still need to go to Safeway and Kings but as a single person you really don’t pursue a Sam’s Club membership and buy massive quantities of cereal, a large ham for Easter or a giant bag of garden bulbs for spring planting. A Sam’s Club membership equals: Mom, Dad, and children. Going there alone has hit me deeply each time as I brave those large double doors and last evening was no exception.

I could barely get out of the automatic door with Nathaniel’s granola before the tears and sobs overwhelmed me. I opened the door to my borrowed car and drove straight “home” to Banyan Ave. I’m not certain why I chose this night to deal with the grief associated with our family home. Maybe I just knew that this was the right time to walk through it and didn’t want to ignore the moment. Possibly in the human realm I couldn’t go anywhere else on such a night but “home”.

I drove those old familiar streets as my body was quaking in sobs. Later Nathaniel chastised me for driving while crying so hard (and I agree) but I told him that I could drive the path from Sam’s in Loveland to Banyan Ave, blindfolded. And with the amount of tears that is just about what I had to do.

 I drove up the street and saw the two enormous Colorado blue spruce trees that defined our home and the green mailbox that Gary and I picked out at Home Depot with the numbers 3347 clearly pasted on the side. I saw where we pulled up sod (on Mother’s Day of all times per my inexperienced request.) and where our blue flower garden had flourished. I visualized where our swing had sat under the spruce trees. I gazed upon the driveway where we shoveled snow together and the path to the back yard where we gardened, got cooled off in our pool, and sat arm in arm upon our back yard swing till all hours of the night.  It was dark and the living room lights were on and so were Gary’s and my bedroom lights. I could envision a little girl in her nightgown giving Daddy a hug and saying goodnight or a little boy on a birthday morning sitting with Dad as he opened up a box of Legos. I saw Christmas mornings and the Fourth of July evenings. I saw all the visions of the family life that I cherished and loved as I parked the car in front of the house, turned off the headlights and began to sob and scream out “NO! NO! NO!” “I want him back” “I want you to come back to me” as the sobs continued to envelop my body.

All I can say is thank God for wintertime windows being closed and the darkness of night.

Eventually I drove away still weeping. I knew that I had to dry my eyes before getting onto the highway at night so I worked hard to stop sobbing before I drove onto I-25. When I pulled back into Ellerslie I called Bethany on her cell phone and asked her to come out and help me. When we got back into the dorm Bethany went to get Nathaniel and I shared with them what I had gone through, again with a few more tears.

I’m not certain what was accomplished last night but there were two things I hadn’t really experienced before and that was first of all, the gut wrenching “NOs” of initial death and secondly, the sorrow and grief surrounding our family home. When Gary first died we were all in such a state of shock that we simply knelt peacefully beside his body on our couch and said “goodbye” as they prepared to take him away for the cremation. I don’t even know if I cried that whole first day. The sobs of grief did eventually come but I never experienced that release of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” nor did I realize that it was something that needed to come out……until yesterday.

As far as our family home. Nathaniel, Bethany and I drove by our house when we first arrived in Loveland. And then we went to visit some neighbor friends a few days later. I felt the grief associated with being there but it came out in a nice reserved tear or two. Last night I was alone and able to really experience the grief associated with the immense loss of our family life on Banyan Ave in Loveland.

When we first arrived in Casa de Las Palmas in Taxco I read the C.S. Lewis book titled, “surprised by Joy”. I think in this whole journey I could title a book, “Surprised by Grief!” Wow, maybe I could write a book such as that! (Food for thought for certain!) In any case, if there is one thing about grief that I have learned is that I don’t know anything about grief! It hits at the most surprising and unexpected times and then other times when I anticipate feeling grief, there is just peace, contentment and joy. So last evening I was certainly “surprised by grief” yet I know that God was accomplishing something in my heart.

Today is Valentine’s Day and possibly I should not have been quite so shocked at the intensity of emotions last evening. However, today I feel peace and I am ready to move onward and upward into a deeper walk with my Jesus. Praise Him for his healing hand upon our lives!