Embarking on a brand new season of life!

This morning our sweet Sally decided that 4:00 AM was a good time for everyone to awaken so I stumbled out of bed to keep her company and to allow Bethany to sleep. Early mornings are my delight so I don’t mind the predawn feline wake up call.

I am sipping my coffee snuggled up into the most comfortable overstuffed chair imaginable with lit candles flickering by my side. We didn’t have these luxuries in Mexico so I’m really enjoying everything to the fullest right now.

It’s weird to be 47 years old and appraising one’s future. Previously, my life had been so naturally planned out. I was a wife, a mom, and a missionary. There isn’t much room in those positions for vocational change. Without warning two of these major life roles have vanished.

I suppose there are two categories to consider, ministry and home as well as providing financially for myself and my children.

At the current moment I cannot picture myself pursuing any type of full time ministry or missionary work. All of my life I have felt called to be a help mate, a servant and a partner to a man in ministry. For so many years servant hood to what God had called Gary to do and who God called Gary to be has been the defining role of my marriage. It’s as if “Gary and Rachel” equaled ministry partnership as much as any other specific area of intimacy. To attempt to imitate my past marriage would be dysfunctional at best. For that reason, ministry partnership as I knew it has died along with my precious husband.

What about the ministry of being a wife? What about servant hood to a husband? One time Gary grabbed me, pulled me into his arms and said, “You’re the best damn woman in the world!” The passion that would make a man of God swear has really stuck with me and although I am a total romantic at heart, that compliment has meant more to me than all the love poems that Gary wrote to me throughout our marriage!  One of the things that it spoke to me was the truth and passion of the moment. It’s similar when someone compliments my cooking, I can recognize the flair in my fingers to produce something gastronomically beautiful, healthy, and amazingly tasty. I remember hearing a famous model one time say that when she receives a compliment on her beauty she sees it as something totally outside of herself and can recognize what other’s praise without taking personal credit for having achieved it aside from simple genetics. In many ways I feel the same. Being a talented cook and a servant to my husband are spiritual gifts that God has given me. This is who he created me to be.  I can take no credit for them so I can stand back and appreciate the beauty of these gifts with humility.

So as a widow, do I see myself ever getting married again? Yes, definitely! As much as I see myself preparing dinner for 20 friends and continuing to discover all the wonders of the art of cooking throughout the years, I can visualize myself ministering to another man through the spiritual gift of being an excellent wife. I can say this without pride because I know this capacity is not of myself but a calling and a talent that God has given me and I can take no credit for his creative work in my life. It reminds me of a quote from the movie Chariots of Fire, which was about Eric Liddell’s running career. He was talking with his sister about his focus on the Olympic Games and for a time neglecting their mission’s work. In this intense scene between brother and sister Eric said, “I don’t know why but God made me fast and when I run I feel his pleasure.” I love this quote as it is very true as we walk in the gifting that God has given to us. When I cook I feel God’s pleasure! When I focus on a man and his needs and not upon myself, I feel God’s pleasure.  

I cannot nor would I want to plan a marriage as one plans a vocation so the role of marriage will rest totally in God’s hands and in God’s time.

This still leaves the question of how to provide for myself and my children. What are my passions?

b Ministry of the Word, worship and intercession.

b Being a wife

b Being a mom

b Singing

b Writing

b Cooking

Right now ministry is in the same category as being a wife. Ministry is something that God will need to specifically bring into my life as I yield myself totally to God and his work within me and through me. Ministry, especially worship and intercession have been my life’s passions. But they would need to be redefined in a different structure than “Gary and Rachel at Swordmaster Ministries Inc”.

I absolutely love being a mom and consider this also to be a spiritual calling. Yet the intensity of it is one that will end within a few years. I will always be a “mom” but not always be nearly as active in this role as I was when Nathaniel and Bethany were 5 and 6 years old. I’ll never teach them to read again or play “Math Monopoly” for the hundredth time or snuggle together as we read a bedtime story. Those years have passed forever, so that role in upcoming years will change drastically as I tearfully nudge them out of the nest to discover God’s great call upon their individual lives. (I am secretly hoping for a full quiver of grandchildren to keep me in the mothering role as “grand” mother to my baby’s babies! There’s nothing sweeter to me than to fill my kitchen with many children.)

I love to sing and worship but bottom line my musical ability (or the lack thereof) would never be a source of income in my life. One of the things I enjoy the most is getting lost in worship in my kitchen. I would never want to muddy the waters of the purity of worship to Jesus with trying to force my lack of musical talent into a vocation. Enjoying worship team and a Christmas choir are delightful outlets to my passion for worship but in all reality where I enter into God’s presence the most enthusiastically is in the privacy of my kitchen while tending to a juicy bison roast!

I have always enjoyed the written word and I have been told that I am very good at it. Bethany however, is the author in the family. I can see the difference between us. She could write 24/7 and still have a story developing in her mind. As for me, I need to be passionately moved about something in order to write. I don’t have thousands of unwritten stories in my head as Bethany does. On the other hand, when I feel something deeply I am moved to write about it. I believe I could write a Christian book and make a difference in people’s lives spiritually but writing as a vocation? I doubt that I have the drive and talent to break into the very tough field of making a living as an author.

So now we’re back to cooking! And this is what prompted getting my thoughts out on paper. A dear young friend in Taxco is now in Chef’s school and I am SO envious of him! As I consider my own life options I keep coming back to the very real talent of cooking.  I am thinking about researching the different aspects of how to further my culinary skills to use as a vocation. Yet, I cannot imagine being a chef stuck in the back of a restaurant shelling out meals on a cooking assembly line. Even at a nice restaurant this would lack any sense of creativity, servant hood and hospitality. All three of these ingredients are vital to my culinary enjoyment. I may as well get a job in a factory if I’m going to spend my life on a restaurant conveyer belt.

Another aspect would be to begin a catering business but as with any of the other arts that I’ve mentioned, it’s difficult to break into the catering field and really make a living at it. I don’t know if I have the luxury as a widow with two children to try to create a culinary business with all the risks and financial pitfalls involved. Right now I feel like a college student trying to figure out her future. I will continue to research and see what vocations could not only use my cooking skills but what keeps those talents alive such as creativity, servant hood and hospitality! Thankfully I have one year before I need to be producing income for my family so I have a little time to pray, research and consider my options.  

The bottom line of my life has always been the glory of God. What does any of this have to do with the glory of God? Right now I am not certain. I do know when I serve a guests a meal in my home that God gets glory from the warmth, the friendship, the delight and the gift of hospitality with which it is given. How does sticking a steak dinner on a restaurant conveyer belt give glory to God? I can’t picture how it does. But I’m sold out to the idea that my life gives sole glory to God and not to myself. If in some way I can provide for my children and give glory to God at the same time then it is all good!

I have to remember God’s promise to me that HE is doing a new thing. That I am in HIS hands and He is doing a new thing with me! So I trust him with all these options and all of these questions. I look at this time as a great adventure rather than a terrible trial. I have the profound opportunity of starting over. I am privileged to live a second set of years. I had an amazing life and marriage with Gary. What a profound honor and pleasure it was to be his wife. Now I am embarking on a brand new season of my life full of wonder, vivacity and anticipation of what is yet to come!