Leaning into Grief

I haven’t written in awhile but I’ve had a lot swimming around in my heart regarding grief. First of all, March was the most difficult month so far in this 8 month journey. I can’t even begin to describe the depths of agony that we have gone through. I would go on my 3-mile prayer walk and be doubled in half, in gut wrenching sobs as I tried to see clear enough through  my tears to not walk into the middle of the road or walk off the side of a bridge.

Bethany described life right now as being “very sad” while Nathaniel’s grief has been a constant ache of sorrow that doesn’t change much but never goes away. Yet, I also feel that we have rounded some type of bend in March that is rather difficult to explain but I know that something major has changed. For one thing, I am realizing that this pain is not going to go away any time soon. But I have also learned that the presence of sorrow does not mean an absence of joy. The presence of pain also does not mean that I cannot go on with my life and begin again. In the past 8  months I would experience moments, sometimes a few days at a time, of happiness and great relief. It was at those times that I thought I was ready to begin again and discover what the next 30 years or so of my life in Christ was to look like. Yet, those times of happiness and relief from grief were short lived.

During all this time I’ve been looking for the relief of pain as sort of a cosmic nod of the head that it was time for me to move onward. What I am beginning to realize is that in the great loss of my husband, the pain is always going to be there to one degree or another. If I sit around waiting on the pain to go away in order to begin my life again, I will be waiting in my misery for a very long time. The lesson I have learned is that it is possible to live a new life in Christ with an enormous amount of sorrow in my heart. I can live again, love again, and laugh again while there is still a gaping hole in my heart from the loss of my dear Gary. Living without pain is not my goal but living as a servant unto the Lord is what my life is about. I am realizing that it is impossible to run from this pain therefore, in order to live I need to lean into the pain and not fight it. I can lean into it and still move forward. I can lean into it and still laugh, love and rejoice. I can lean into my pain of incredible loss while discovering newness of life.

On the other hand, I do not mean a numb acceptance of depression. That is the furthest thing from my mind. What I am talking about is the very real and vibrant awareness of the depths of the ache in my heart yet no longer fighting it but learning to rejoice and move forward within it. Within the pain…..that is a very new concept for me. My whole goal from the beginning of this journey was to get THROUGH the agony. And now I am realizing that the path laid before me is not to get through the pain but to lean into it and allow my life in Christ to be changed by it. I think this is what the author of “Things Unseen” was trying to communicate but I was too deep into my grief and sorrow to really grasp his message. I think the point of all of this is realizing that yes, I can live again but the pain is still going to be there. It will be there if I remarry, it will be there if I get a wonderful home, a secure job, and a lovely town to live in. The pain will be there no matter what I do. The only thing that could take away this pain of grief is to have my dear husband resurrected from his grave of ashes buried under the lemon tree in the back yard of our house in Taxco.

So here we are 8 months into our journey of grief and now instead of trying so hard to get THROUGH this journey we are realizing that we are in this journey for life. My life and the lives of my children have been forever changed, marred, hurt, and wounded. In the words of Sense and Sensibility “they just lost their father, their lives will never be the same.” There’s no way to just “GET THROUGH” to the other side of grief but to learn to live our life in Christ within our grief and allow the pain to take us constantly to the cross of Christ and into the arms of our savior. Yes, I am ready to begin again. I am ready to see what the next 30 years of my life in Christ will look like. But yes, the grip of sorrow and the sting of death is ever present in our lives. We are no longer trying to get through this journey but now learning to live within our pain, lean into it and see the work of Christ and the suffering and victory of His cross in the midst of our sorrow.

Ignorance and a Passion for Knowledge

Ignorance shrouded my early life. I was cloaked in a murky coat of lack of knowledge that was like a dark cloud over my life. Never being taught how to learn I was slow in gaining ground in self education. I was 32 years old before I stepped foot in my first library. I actually was very scared of this first experience. I didn’t know what to expect or what to do! Slowly, as I began to digest the ability to learn, I grew to have an insatiable appetite for it. Now it is my delight and pleasure to check out hundreds of books a year at the local library, mostly in the area of research and education. I actually rarely read a book simply out of pleasure because I gain such enjoyment in the learning process that anything less than that leaves me let down and desiring so much more.

Every area that I have a measure of proficiency in has either been self taught, God taught or Gary taught in my life. I never went to college; I never was required to do well in school or to complete my homework. Everything about me I have learned as an adult with my own resourcefulness. All of my cooking skills have come through self education. All of my writing skills have come through painstakingly learning how to construct sentences and the beautiful use of language. My parenting skills came from the mountain of books I read when my children were small as well as Gary’s wealth of wisdom and knowledge. Of course my Biblical knowledge has come from being taught and mentored by my dear husband.

To say that I have overcompensated for a very difficult beginning in life would probably be an understatement. I was so deprived of learning that I have an unusual thirst for knowledge. This passion for knowledge has served me well and has given me the perseverance to press on through the difficulties of learning a skill in order to see it through to excellence. It has allowed me to see that learning is a lifelong adventure and that the moment I take my last breath is the first moment that I will have ceased to learn upon this earth, only to begin to learn of Heavenly things. Bottom line; I love the pursuit of knowledge, understanding and wisdom.

However, Gary’s death and the last year of his life have been enveloped in confusion and ignorance. This is an area of my life where there is layer upon layer of grief that I am in the process of excavating within the quarry of my heart.

I am writing this blog basically as my grief journal. You are welcome to read my writings but I am not composing this for anyone but for my own journey of grieving the loss of my husband. My feelings and experiences are simply that; my feelings and experiences. For me, the confusion and lack of a medical conclusion, regarding Gary’s death has been one of the most difficult issues for me to face. Here I am, a woman who thrives on knowing things and having accurate information and I am faced with losing the most important person in my life without being given a medical explanation as to what happened.

I know that Gary and I both had some very unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits in our past and I truly do not know how much that affected the outcome of his life span. I do know though that he had lost weight, got in shape and had stellar cholesterol and medical checkups just weeks before we left for Mexico. He literally had rippling muscles from weight lifting and for a 63 year old man was able to work, lift, and run better than many men half his age. He gardened, dug trenches for our sprinkler system, lifted sod, and shoveled rock as we delighted in working on the outdoors of our home together. We ate organics and had a competition for who could get the lowest healthy ratio cholesterol and Gary won by 30 points! His stats were way better than healthy average and his medical exams necessary to get our visas for living in Mexico all came back that he was in wonderful health. We literally thought that he would live another 30 years on the mission field proclaiming the gospel and watching his grandchildren teach and preach!

We were thoroughly unprepared, not only for his sudden death, but the peculiar things that clouded the last 9 months of his life. There were “signs” that he was having major heart problems but because of his prior level of health and the fact that he lost an additional 20 pounds during our first year in Mexico, we didn’t take these signs seriously and even if we would have we wouldn’t have known how to get him medical help where we lived in Southern Mexico. I now believe that he had several major heart attacks during the last year of his life, that went untold to us by Gary and somewhat unnoticed by his family. There were signs that something was drastically wrong but given our life in a new culture and the restoration of our home, it was easy to ignore what was going on and assume it was cultural adjustments or the tremendous work load associated with our ministry center.

The death report that I hold in my hands is written in Spanish and says that my husband died of an accidental wound to the head. A dear friend who is a cardiologist nurse thinks that it may have been a seizure or an aneurysm from his genetic vein disorder in his right leg. My diagnosis is sudden cardiac arrest. One person suggested a severe staph infection that affected his heart. I’ve even pondered an undiagnosed cancer that weakened his heart. Did he get lightheaded from his mitro valve prolapse (heart murmur) and as he passed out did he actually hit his head hard enough of the pavement to cause death from the fall?

Minutes after his death our home filled with Mexican police armed with machine guns. What I believe was the equivalent of a coroner was telling us that we must bury him immediately, IMMEDIATELY, have him cremated IMMEDIATELY or ship his body back to the States IMMEDIATELY. For a nation stereotyped as having siestas and a slow pace of life, the moments after Gary’s death were nothing resembling slow and calm.

One of the things that haunts me is my dear son pleading with the officials, “Can’t we have a little more time to figure out what to do?” NO! They would not agree to give us any more time. I didn’t have one moment to call any family back home not even his two adult sons and their wives. We were whisked from one government office to another for hours upon hours during that horrible day of his death. We had his body taken to a neighboring town to be cremated, forever eliminating any possibility of my knowing medically what happened to my beloved husband. 

This lack of knowledge really bothers me. I find myself being immobilized in fear that I am just going to fall over dead for no apparent reason because this is what seemingly happened to Gary. If I knew what had been wrong in his body, at least I could tell myself that the same thing isn’t wrong in my body or my children’s bodies so I can live in a measure of peace. Between the suddenness of his death and the mystery surrounding it, my life has been sucked into a vortex of a fear of death. Not a fear of eternity but a fear of death.

I don’t want to go into all the theological and faith aspects of this area of grief for this is in fact my journal and I am being brutally honest within it. All three of us have suffered in this area. Recently someone fainted in front of Nathaniel and he had to walk away as others woke up the guy who was fine but whose fainting had a tremendous affect upon Nathaniel’s wounded emotions. Bethany couldn’t handle her cat meowing for months after Gary’s death because even the cat’s meow sent Bethany into flash backs of her daddies death. For me the flashbacks and fears associated with this horrific event have been massive. Because Gary’s death seemingly happened without reason and certainly without any medical explanation, the residual effects of that lack of knowledge and of the suddenness have been very difficult to deal with.

I have come to terms with God’s timing and trust him that his hand was upon Gary’s life as well as his death. I know that the days of Gary’s life were known by God from the foundation of the world. Gary’s death did not take God by surprise. Yet all of that doesn’t change the fact that it was the most dreadful event for our family to walk through. There was no diagnosis of cancer. No heart disease. No prognosis of high blood pressure, high cholesterol or hardening of the arteries. One minute he was declared to be in stellar health and the next moment he is lying dead on our driveway.

It’s almost as if he was lost as sea or a victim of war whose body is never found and the family is left to wonder what really happened to their loved one. If I knew why he died then all of the events surrounding his death could better be understood. Why were there such moaning and gurgling sounds coming from him? Why did he say, “Oh wow” right before he fell over? Was it pain? Was it Jesus? Was it a feeling of his heart exploding? His brain exploding? What was it that happened to him? Why did he roll around on the pavement totally unconscious but with such loud moans and groans? What was happening in his body? I know he was probably observing the scene as he was being welcomed into the arms of Jesus. He probably heard me crying out to Jesus. He probably saw Nathaniel giving him CPR and he probably saw his little girl standing in the doorway crying as she watched her daddy die. He probably wasn’t aware of pain but at that point was looking into the eyes of his savior as Stephen did as he was being stoned for his faith.

Yet, his body was part of the Gary that I knew and desperately loved. I saw him lose bladder control. I felt his arm quiver. I heard him moan and saw him roll around. I saw his body react violently to something? But to what? I can only conjecture what may have happened to my beloved husband and this is very difficult for me to deal with, the woman who has such a thirst for knowledge doesn’t even know why her healthy husband suddenly fell over dead one warm July afternoon.

So I’m writing this to attempt to work through these emotions of grief and shock. I have made progress. The first time I wrote about this I was quaking violently throughout my body. And now I can write about it without a strong physical reaction. I know however that there are more layers to this area of grief to uncover and deal with.

I am seeing that grief isn't just losing a person but everything surrounding the death as well. There is a sense of grief in not knowing how or why my husband died. This is a layer of grief that must be dealt with and so I write, not for you all but for me. I write in hopes that the telling of this story will bring a measure of healing and peace to my emotions and to my tendency to fear that any second one of us is going to just drop over dead like a thin summer dress hanging on a clothes line thrown to the ground by a strong gust of wind.

Yes, life is fragile but I don't believe it is meant to be as fragile as all of this. I think our feelings of fragility are based upon the suddenness and unexplained nature of Gary's death. Yet, there was certainly a reason for his death. He didn't simply die at 64 years of age for no apparent reason. Because we don't know why his life was ended so quickly and without explanation, it is difficult to put logical sense to it. Therefore, all of life seems like we are walking on a precipice and could fall of at any second.  These are the emotions that I hope to work through in prayer, in writing, and in learning how to deal, in an emotionally healthy way, with this traumatic event.

God has brought an enormous measure of healing and I trust Him to continue his mighty work in our hearts and emotions as we walk this way of grief held tightly in his arms of love!

 

 

Second Week at Ellerslie

We are entering our second week at Ellerslie. God is really ripping my heart apart in order to bring healing to me. It seems that every area that was so important to Gary and me in ministry, I am being led through the agony and the healing of facing it. I cannot even begin to describe what has been happening in my heart but honestly in every area of intimacy in the Spirit that Gary and I shared together and the depth of our Christian walk together, I am being led through each aspect by the Spirit and he is bringing healing to the depths of my soul.

I realize now what a huge area of grief that had remained in my heart. It was an area that I tucked carefully away and labeled, “Gary and Rachel’s spiritual life together”.  In the past 7 months I have gone through so many areas of grief. I have forced myself to face each aspect of my love for my beloved husband. I cannot even begin to list each area of grief that I have faced and worked through during these nearly 7 months. And yet one huge area remained and that was my spiritual walk with my husband. I think I ignored this because it was so very deeply painful. And now I am face to face with it and it is good but also covered in sorrow.  

This afternoon (Sunday) we at Ellerslie had a corporate time of seeking God and meditating on scripture from 1:00-3:30. As I lay on my bed with my Bible, Bethany sat outside in the grass (it was a beautifully warm day!) and Nathaniel sat out by the lake on a park bench, I realized how “normal” this was for our family. On any given Sunday during our life together with Gary, we would all go to church together and then come home for our family worship and Bible study. No matter where we went to church our children always considered “Dad” to be their pastor. It was simply never a question in their mind even though we never gave him this title in our home. Most times we would have family worship and then an hour to an hour and a half of an intense Bible study. Other times we would separately seek God. But always Sunday afternoon and evening was a set apart time for the things of God.

Every Sunday until Gary died that is…….Suddenly our lives changed drastically. Suddenly every hymn or passage of scripture brought huge tsunamis of grief. We knew how to seek God separately but not alone. Let me explain. We as a couple learned how to deeply seek God together as well as on our own but always always always we were a unit. If I was seeking God in the kitchen and Gary was seeking God in our bedroom, we may be apart but we were still a team, a unit, and we were “together” even though we weren’t in the same room. When we had children we developed in them the same ability to seek God deeply, go to the Word in study and on our faces before Jesus in prayer. Yet, even if I had my intense prayer time at 5:00 am and Nathaniel had his intense prayer time at 8:00 am and Gary and Bethany a different time, we were still all in unity and all doing the same type of seeking although sometimes at different hours of the day. After Gary died we felt such a loss of that unity. Suddenly Gary and I weren’t a unified team any more. Suddenly I was alone and the felt spiritual isolation was more than I could bear. Suddenly the source of my greatest joy and comfort became the source of my greatest sorrow and grief. The spiritual aspect of my marriage was the most precious ingredient of our life together and I couldn’t face the grief of the tremendous loss.

And yet, God is faithful to complete His work within us. Here we are at Ellerslie being “forced” to face each area of our spiritual life with Gary and the pain of grief is deep. The orchestration of the Spirit is amazing. No one at Ellerslie knew Gary and me prior to his death. They have no idea what specific aspects were vital to us, yet each and every area is being dealt with whether it’s easy or not.

For instance, tonight we had a tremendous worshipful evening. It was full of the intimacy that defines true worship and entering into the Holy of Holies. One of the things that they did was read a list of names of God. “Deliverer, Redeemer, Savior,” etc etc. What is amazing about this is that the study of the Names of God was one of Gary’s delights and passions. He also wrote Psalms or poems if you will on different names of God. Actually, my very first memory of Gary that set him apart from everyone else was when he was leading a retreat that I attended. During worship, without any fanfare or interruption, Gary picked up his folder of his list of names of God and quietly began to read them out loud. It brought such a sweet spirit of worship into the room that I’ve never forgotten that moment. At every family retreat day that we had and every weekend “Feast of Tabernacles” celebration we always had the names of God binder sitting out so that the four of us could access it in our personal worship. I’ve never once been in a corporate church setting where the names of God were read as Gary had read them 19 years ago at a single’s retreat in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, until tonight!

God is just taking us through every aspect of our spiritual life with Gary and gently guiding us through facing our grief and giving us back this extremely precious area of our life.

This afternoon as we were all seeking God, I realized what this will accomplish in our lives after spending two months here at Ellerslie. No longer will Rees Howells and Andrew Murray represent Gary and our life with him but it will be part of the wonderful memories of Ellerslie. We will once again be in the habit of seeking God on a Sunday afternoon and it won’t be filled with agony of loss but memories of sweet fellowship here in Windsor. The teaching of who we are “In Christ”, the teaching of the power of grace, and the love and focus on the truth of scripture will no longer solely remind us of our loss in Gary but will be full of new memories of these 9 weeks.

This is totally a spirit led season of dealing with our grief and it is amazing. The way a person works through grief is to face each aspect of our life with our beloved, grieve its loss and then go on to either make it solely our own and not something that we must share with our beloved or leave it nicely in the past full of the memories of our life together. I cannot believe how tailor made this is for us to work through our grief in this area.

I don’t want to minimize the depth of teaching and how glorious it is to dwell in the presence of God 24/7 on this campus. Yet, working through grief is all part of that. We cannot really serve God if we are broken and dysfunctional people. God desires his people to work through the areas of brokenness and dysfunction in order to seek him in fullness walking in emotional and spiritual health. So as we are literally on our faces before God he is taking us through these areas of grief, which can “sound” too clinical but in reality it isn’t clinical in the slightest.

Therefore, this evening was the most powerful and intimate corporate worship night that I’ve ever been a part of. Yet, a large section of the evening, well to be honest, the entire evening I was focused in my prayers and in my worship on grief. It was a God ordained focus as he works his healing grace into my heart. Ironically the scripture that was interwoven into the worship was the “Song of Solomon”! Cough……sputter….weep….and wail....! I mean really! What could be a more painful message to a grieving widow than the Song of Solomon??? Yet, God used it deeply in my heart to shower me with his presence as lover of my soul. It was an amazing time of deep worship that I will treasure the rest of my life.  I am seeing Jesus in a way that I never saw Him before. I have been a servant of God and a worshipper of the Most High but I’ve never really grasp my position and delight in being the bride of Christ. During this season of intense focus I am beginning to understand in my Spirit a tiny bit about what being the bride of Christ means. I never pursued it before because I was the “Bride of Gary” and we sought and served our God together. But now that I am alone the ever present truth of being the Bride of Christ is coming alive to me.

So even though the “grief work” is intense, the healing power of God is greater still. He is pouring his presence upon me in amazing ways and I praise Him for his love and his grace upon our lives.

 

 

 

 

 

Reverse Culture Shock

Well, it hit! I wasn’t certain that it would as our arrival to Colorado seemed to be full of nothing but joy. Yet, on Saturday we all felt hit strongly with reverse culture shock. We were down in Denver and for some reason it hit all of us on the same day. Possibly it was because we were with our friends from Brazil and yet on the same day dealing with the frantic American schedule. Our time with Eduardo and Priscila was so precious. We sat on their floor and talked about God and family. We played with their baby and just spent unhurried time together.

We were overwhelmed with their generosity in the giving of their furniture but yet in the same way it was just “ordinary” Latin culture generosity and a generosity that became part of our lives in Mexico and will be with us forever. In Mexico we watched thousands upon thousands of dollars of our belongings being given away as we opened wide our doors to our neighbors and had two free giving days. This was such a blessing to our hearts and it flowed so naturally within the Mexico culture. Here we are in Colorado and a Brazilian couple has given us all of their beautiful furniture. So the flow of generosity continues. In the Latin cultures generosity is not limited to a once in a lifetime unusual event but it is a way of life. Money flows into your life and money flows out towards other people. Among the common people, of whom we were a part of, money just flows freely between everyone. It isn’t a government rule or tax but generosity is a cultural value and is so clearly evident upon touching your feet upon Mexican soil.

In any case, the generosity of Priscila and Eduardo from Brazil were a part of that Latin generous spirit. God gives to man and man gives to God. In other words, man gives to his fellow man because God has given freely to him in the blessings of this life. It’s a beautiful cultural value and one that we Americans could learn a lot from. I’ve seen a person who barely had enough to buy one day’s worth of tortillas, see someone on the bus who was less fortunate than them and they would be sticking pesos in their hands and giving them a hug. When Gary died our neighbors, who live in tiny concrete houses and are very poor by American standards, came by in masses putting pesos in our hands which equaled the $2,ooo usd to pay for Gary’s cremation! We learned through amazing experiences that it is impossible to out give a Mexican person. And it doesn’t hint at all of trying to outdo each other. In some bizarre way they always feel that they haven’t done enough. We had this demonstrated countless times in the two years that we lived in Mexico. Just when we thought no one could give more to us there would be another out pouring of love and generosity. The four of us learned to walk in the flow of it all. It wasn’t that if Carlos and Susana gave to us that we had to give back to them but it was a flowing throughout the whole country. Carlos and Susan would give to us in some way and then we would cook a meal for a neighbor. And then Oscar and Silvia would give to us and then we would give to someone in the market. The money flows throughout everyone and everyone is taken care of.

This is an example of a country without welfare and without government income. I would say it is a much better way to exist where every member of the country is incredibly generous to his fellow man. What terrifies me in the economic reform that so many are lobbying for is that I don’t see the generosity easily flowing among American people. It is a lesson that we better learn if we do not want our income taxed to give to the poor. Giving unreservedly to the poor is clearly a Biblical principal and one that I am passionate about.

In any case, we were thoroughly immersed within the Latin culture once again as we sat on Priscila and Eduardo’s floor. And then the stress hit regarding moving the furniture into storage space until we get our own home. The details of this situation are not important but what struck Nathaniel, Bethany and I so strongly was reverse culture shock. I felt like Nathaniel, Bethany and I were suspended in some other cultural zone while the American people rush here and there and here and there with barely time to breath in-between appointments. It was so shocking to us that we nearly felt like we were going to have a cross-cultural meltdown right in the middle of our own country! That my friend is called reverse culture shock! Where a person who has lived abroad has integrated some of their adopted countries values into their life and therefore when they go back to their passport country, they feel strange and out of place. It’s a very confusing emotion because a third culture person realizes that they no longer really fit in anywhere. They are strangers in their adopted country and they are strangers in their home country. And so goes the life of missionaries and those who have made a foreign country their home and not just a place to do business for a couple of years.
 

Nathaniel articulated it so clearly when he said, “Mom, we need about ten Mexican friends! Maybe we should move to Greely!” lol So yes, living in Windsor and being close to Greely wouldn’t be a bad idea. We went to a Mexican restaurant for lunch which was soothing to our cross-cultural sensitivities. I don’t know where God will place us in our future but we do know that the Latino culture is inexorably part of our heart and soul.

 

 

Worship at His feet

The snow is crisply falling as Bethany and I enjoy a cup of hot chocolate on this very cold Colorado evening. Today has been an intense day at Ellerslie (although we’ve yet to see anything but the intensity of spirit-led passion for the gospel.) A lot of the day was spent on the teaching of being seated in Christ. Gary’s one Bible was his “In Christ” study Bible and is very marked up with references to our position “in Christ”. Of course this message was near and dear to my heart.

Bethany and I came back from the first morning session and I sat at my computer, signed onto Gary’s log on, and read page after page of his notes on grace and our position in Christ. For the first time since his death these notes brought me great joy! In previous months they had brought nothing but sorrow and pain for once again the voice of all this teaching had died and it felt as though the most important aspect of our lives (the powerful word of God) had died with it. Now I was able to once again rejoice in this message because it did not die with my husband! Eric passed around the microphone this morning so that some of us (there are 75 students!) could share in one sentence what God has been speaking to us and how he has been ministering to us. I took the mic and through a shaky grief filled voice said, “God has been showing me that His truth is still alive even when a man of God dies.” So yes, this has been an incredible time of healing for me. It’s been a time to embrace once again the depth of teaching that was so very vital to Gary’s and my life together.

What has God been showing me about the larger picture of this season of my life? A couple of weeks ago John Leech said something that impacted me. He was talking about who we are apart from what we do for a living. Right away in my spirit I said to myself, “I am a worshipper of the Most High God”. This is so clear to me that it didn’t take time to think about or ponder. This same thing is what is coming back to me during this first week at Ellerslie. Right now I am a worshipper of the Most High God. For 18 years I ministered to my husband through prayer, warfare worship, serving him through a warm and welcoming home full of soft music, pleasing lights and delicious dinners. I interceded for him when he would teach and stood in the gap for him as God used him mightily within our family and in other people’s lives. My worship tended to always be for a warfare type of purpose. Proclaiming the Glory of God to Taxco through the battles won in worship. Praying that my husband would be anointed for ministry of the word as he would teach. Praying that the spirit of God would fill our home and our family. Casting down the work of the evil one. Etc. etc. etc. I told God many times in my early Christian life that I did not enjoy warfare! I’m a girly girl not a super hero she-warrior! Yet, spiritual warfare is exactly the battle ground that God had called me to for the past 18 years of my life. It’s who I am to the point of not really knowing how to put down my armor and sit at the feet of Jesus.

What I feel God calling me to in this season of my life is to be solely a worshipper of the Most High God.  I am to minister to Him and to Him alone! My calling is to enter into the holy of holies many times throughout the day simply to minister to God as he sits upon His throne. I’m not there on behalf of anyone but in His presence simply to minister to Him and to sit before him and soak in his presence.

This is beautiful for me and throughout all the years of intense spiritual battles this is the type of thing that I longed for. Yet, now that it is placed before my by the Spirit of God, it’s difficult to get out of my chainmail and as the 24 elders around the throne just worship at His feet crying “Holy, Holy Holy!”

What is God saying to us as a family? I’m not certain. I will say that we are now entertaining the thought of living in Windsor! We have so connected with the teaching at Ellerslie that it seems as if it would be fitting to continue on, to live in the area and to attend their on-campus church. The question in all of our minds though, is where does God want us to be? What is his plan and purpose for us in Colorado? So we continue to seek Him as we totally yield our lives to his purposes.

To be honest a lot of other areas offer more fun. I mean Windsor is next door to Greeley! J There’s not much happening in Greeley other than the very “fragrant” farm smell that would waft as far as Loveland on a warm summer day! I remember different times in Loveland I would begin to smell this nasty odor and walk all around the house trying to find out what had died and been undetected and then someone would comment that it was just Greeley that I was experiencing with greater pungency than was typical! Windsor is a nice small town but really it’s in the middle of no-where. Yet, all I can think of is the power of God and His word and none of us want to leave the precious atmosphere of his spirit. Therefore, much prayer is going to go into the decision of where we will be living.

If we were close enough to the campus we could welcome students in for an occasional home cooked meal and warmth by the fire place. Most of the students are from the East Coast and therefore very far from home and family. And of course most of the students are very young with this being the first time away from home for some of them. It would be wonderful to be kind of an off campus home environment for the students as they have traveled by themselves to a “distant land” in order to seek the face of God. Part of my gifting is to be able to create a very warm and cozy home environment. I know for a lot of these guys and gals this would be a welcome aspect of campus life. And because our home atmosphere so closely matches the Ellerslie campus code of conduct, there would be a smooth transition from the campus to our home.

In any case, we are praying about whether God is leading us to live in Windsor in order to make ourselves available to the Ellerslie campus. Your prayers for His guidance in our life would be greatly appreciated.

 

Ambushed by Grief

Yesterday I had a major grief “moment” (two hours plus…..) as I went into Loveland in order to pick up some granola for Nathaniel and a belt at Kohl’s for Bethany. Sam’s was my last stop and it was already mid-evening as I wheeled my cart into the cereal aisle. For some reason Sam’s in Loveland has really hit me with grief every time I’ve entered its doors. I don’t remember Sam’s being particularly “special” to Gary and me. Maybe I went typical grocery shopping by myself but possibly we went together more often to Sam’s? I’m really not sure. Maybe part of it is that Sam’s is the antithesis of family. As a single person you still need to go to Safeway and Kings but as a single person you really don’t pursue a Sam’s Club membership and buy massive quantities of cereal, a large ham for Easter or a giant bag of garden bulbs for spring planting. A Sam’s Club membership equals: Mom, Dad, and children. Going there alone has hit me deeply each time as I brave those large double doors and last evening was no exception.

I could barely get out of the automatic door with Nathaniel’s granola before the tears and sobs overwhelmed me. I opened the door to my borrowed car and drove straight “home” to Banyan Ave. I’m not certain why I chose this night to deal with the grief associated with our family home. Maybe I just knew that this was the right time to walk through it and didn’t want to ignore the moment. Possibly in the human realm I couldn’t go anywhere else on such a night but “home”.

I drove those old familiar streets as my body was quaking in sobs. Later Nathaniel chastised me for driving while crying so hard (and I agree) but I told him that I could drive the path from Sam’s in Loveland to Banyan Ave, blindfolded. And with the amount of tears that is just about what I had to do.

 I drove up the street and saw the two enormous Colorado blue spruce trees that defined our home and the green mailbox that Gary and I picked out at Home Depot with the numbers 3347 clearly pasted on the side. I saw where we pulled up sod (on Mother’s Day of all times per my inexperienced request.) and where our blue flower garden had flourished. I visualized where our swing had sat under the spruce trees. I gazed upon the driveway where we shoveled snow together and the path to the back yard where we gardened, got cooled off in our pool, and sat arm in arm upon our back yard swing till all hours of the night.  It was dark and the living room lights were on and so were Gary’s and my bedroom lights. I could envision a little girl in her nightgown giving Daddy a hug and saying goodnight or a little boy on a birthday morning sitting with Dad as he opened up a box of Legos. I saw Christmas mornings and the Fourth of July evenings. I saw all the visions of the family life that I cherished and loved as I parked the car in front of the house, turned off the headlights and began to sob and scream out “NO! NO! NO!” “I want him back” “I want you to come back to me” as the sobs continued to envelop my body.

All I can say is thank God for wintertime windows being closed and the darkness of night.

Eventually I drove away still weeping. I knew that I had to dry my eyes before getting onto the highway at night so I worked hard to stop sobbing before I drove onto I-25. When I pulled back into Ellerslie I called Bethany on her cell phone and asked her to come out and help me. When we got back into the dorm Bethany went to get Nathaniel and I shared with them what I had gone through, again with a few more tears.

I’m not certain what was accomplished last night but there were two things I hadn’t really experienced before and that was first of all, the gut wrenching “NOs” of initial death and secondly, the sorrow and grief surrounding our family home. When Gary first died we were all in such a state of shock that we simply knelt peacefully beside his body on our couch and said “goodbye” as they prepared to take him away for the cremation. I don’t even know if I cried that whole first day. The sobs of grief did eventually come but I never experienced that release of “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” nor did I realize that it was something that needed to come out……until yesterday.

As far as our family home. Nathaniel, Bethany and I drove by our house when we first arrived in Loveland. And then we went to visit some neighbor friends a few days later. I felt the grief associated with being there but it came out in a nice reserved tear or two. Last night I was alone and able to really experience the grief associated with the immense loss of our family life on Banyan Ave in Loveland.

When we first arrived in Casa de Las Palmas in Taxco I read the C.S. Lewis book titled, “surprised by Joy”. I think in this whole journey I could title a book, “Surprised by Grief!” Wow, maybe I could write a book such as that! (Food for thought for certain!) In any case, if there is one thing about grief that I have learned is that I don’t know anything about grief! It hits at the most surprising and unexpected times and then other times when I anticipate feeling grief, there is just peace, contentment and joy. So last evening I was certainly “surprised by grief” yet I know that God was accomplishing something in my heart.

Today is Valentine’s Day and possibly I should not have been quite so shocked at the intensity of emotions last evening. However, today I feel peace and I am ready to move onward and upward into a deeper walk with my Jesus. Praise Him for his healing hand upon our lives!

 

 

 

First week at Ellerslie

Typically I am able to write about anything but I am at a loss for words in describing our time at Ellerslie. Maybe because I tend to get stuck in a people pleasing mode and try to think about my audience and what each one of you might think about what I say. If I were simply writing in a journal the pages would be full but how do I communicate this to you all?

First of all, we are deeply enjoying our time at Ellerslie. Nothing could have been better for our grieving sprits than how the Lord orchestrated for us to come here. So at the beginning I just want to say that we are all doing fantastically well and full of the joy of the Lord and basking in his presence.

I suppose the most impactful thing for us as a family is how closely Eric Ludy’s teaching, personality and style mirrors Gary’s. It’s been a very “Twilight Zone” type of thing as Nathaniel, Bethany and I sit in the sessions and hear the teaching. This may seem weird or even emotionally unhealthy to some. But we aren’t trying to make Eric into “dad” in some sick distorted way but we are enjoying so deeply the common bond in the Spirit that we loved so much about the years with our beloved dad and husband.

I feel certain that this kindred Spirit connection is for some yet unseen purpose. We don’t know what this is but God has been blessing us tremendously within our time here.

Something that I just read in an A.W. Tozer book seems to be what God is telling me at the beginning of this semester at Ellerslie: “Now Moses is dead and lest the young Joshua be struck down with despair God spoke to assure him, “As I was with Moses, so I will be with you.” Nothing had changed and nothing had been lost. Nothing of God dies when a man of God dies.”

This hit me in profound ways and seems to be the message that God is speaking to me right now. I think because Gary was such a valiant man of God that it has been difficult for the three of us to not despair in our spiritual life because of the loss of our spiritual father. We did not rely upon Gary because Gary always pointed us towards the Father. He was adamant about teaching all of us to seek God on our own, to listen for the voice of God and always obey. Yet, because of the strength and the intimacy of marriage and family, the loss of Gary somehow has felt as though we have also lost a part of God. This passage in this book really ministered to me and has been the type of thing that God has been doing in my heart as his presence sweeps over my spirit.

For me personally I have been especially floundering because in my very being my calling before God had been to be a servant to my husband, specifically to be a servant to Gary in His ministry of the Word. My very being was wrapped up into praying for my husband, serving him and ministering to him so that he could minister to others. Without that calling and focus I have felt suddenly (very suddenly) lost and unsure of what my role is in ministry as well as in my home.

I am still very unclear about that but being a part of Ellerslie right now is helping me to see that the passion of teaching that I was accustomed to did not die along with my husband. That God is on the throne and “Nothing has changed and nothing has been lost (in Christ) and nothing of God dies when a man of God dies.”

The schedule at Ellerslie is very intense and Nathaniel and Bethany are soaking it up. We have early morning prayer (5:30 on some mornings!) Personal Bible study and prayer time, corporate “stillness” where we just sit in God’s presence quietly, and then there are two teaching sessions. There is a morning two hour teaching session and an afternoon two hour teaching session. I am so thankful that my kiddos were accustomed to listening to Gary teach them for hours at a time and in their hunger for God they soaked it all up and always wanted more. They are totally prepared for intensely seeking God and hearing his word taught! What a huge blessing this is in their lives. After the morning and afternoon sessions we have a break and then dinner and then evening reading assignments. We are busy but in a very peaceful and non-stressful way.

Nathaniel has been mostly staying in the guy’s dorm with his roommates. He is rooming with a dad and his 17 year old son, so the placement is good. At first it was painful for him to be rooming with a dad and his teen son, the felt loss and contrast to what this son has and what Nathaniel has lost was clearly evident to his heart. But now that we are settled in he is enjoying the time with his roommates. Bethany and I are roommates, dorm mates, and study session “mates”! J We do miss being with Nathaniel but at his age it is a very good thing for him to not constantly be with little sister and mom. Our dorms are next door to each other so we can visit any time that we like.

The campus environment is very peaceful and very much like home for our family. There is no TV, no radio, no computers, no cell phones and no outward distractions. We are free to be on-line in one of the campus buildings but only from 3-5 pm. Other than that brief time on-line we are in a very unplugged environment, which is mostly the way our family lives day to day anyway, other than more exposure to the internet. For us, it’s like coming home, which is ironic because that is exactly what I was longing for but felt I had to wait patiently through the time at Ellerslie before I would be able to come home! God’s ways are amazing!

Bethany and I have made our dorm room cozy and homey. I bought some pretty towels and a little coffee maker. We even have a nice basket of apples on top of our little refrigerator. I have i-tunes playing worship music softly when we are in our rooms and we even have a well stocked “health pantry” as Nathaniel has accused me of creating! (I suppose if you saw my stack of vitamins, green protein, herbal teas and whole grain organic products you would probably agree!) My “health pantry” is worlds away from the guy’s dorm who is stock piling pizza and chocolate! Bethany and I have a cozy and a nice place to relax and seek the Lord in the quiet of the evenings or the early morning hours.

Any of you all who would like to visit Ellerslie we would love to see you on any Sunday morning for church services at 10 am. They have a regular church that is open to the public so there is a nice mixture of students and church members. We would LOVE to see you all!
Here is the website with information and directions: www.ellerslie.com

I don’t know how often I will write in this blog. Sometimes I am so deeply drawn into writing and other times if I tried to write I would be dragging the words out of my finger tips. So if you don’t hear from me for awhile don’t worry but just rejoice that God is doing deep things within my heart and I simply do not have the time or the release in the spirit to write about the process. Until next time.....all my love, Rachel