My relationship with Gary was very unique. Our marriage was the Girl With the Little Curl poem:
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"When Gary and I were good we were very very good and when we were bad we were horrid." Actually that may be a tad on the extreme side but I have always thought of that little poem in relation to my marriage. Gary and I both brought tons of baggage into our marriage. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and he had come through a 13 year failed marriage. We were stubborn, opinionated, selfish, and broken. Yet, God in his grace worked mightily on those areas and brought immense healing and Godly change into our lives.
"There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid."
"When Gary and I were good we were very very good and when we were bad we were horrid." Actually that may be a tad on the extreme side but I have always thought of that little poem in relation to my marriage. Gary and I both brought tons of baggage into our marriage. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home and he had come through a 13 year failed marriage. We were stubborn, opinionated, selfish, and broken. Yet, God in his grace worked mightily on those areas and brought immense healing and Godly change into our lives.
Within our personalities we were extreme opposites and had very different interests. My idea of a fun outing was going on an adventurous mountain hike and Gary's idea of excitement was going to a museum. Gary was well-read and very scholarly. He was the thinker and I was the feeler. He was the pessimist and I was the optimist. Planning an afternoon excursion was half the pleasure of the event for him. For me, a spontaneous adventure was the ultimate in enjoyment. It seemed that in every are of our lives we were opposites.
In many of those areas we learned to grow and appreciate the other person's interest. We grew and expanded as people because of our marriage. Never-the-less, our default position in life was always to be completely opposite.
However, there was one area of our lives where we were 100% soul mate best friends and that was within our spiritual lives. Gary was the prophet and I was the one given to mercy. This displayed itself in our lives through my passion for intercessory worship and his prophetic teaching ministry. These giftings blended very well in our spiritual life together as well as within our ministry. I know this combination of spiritual gifts, which resulted in powerful ministry, is the eternal purpose in why God brought two such opposite people together and literally called us with his clear and unmistakable voice to get married.
We were mutually passionate about the things of God. Neither one of us was came dragging our feet into marriage or trying to get the other person interested in the things of God. We were both head over heels in love with Jesus and extremely impassioned about serving him together in our daily life.
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Our hearts of faith were joined together in such a way that to pull them apart would mean certain death. We were joined together as if we were Siamese twins. After Gary's death I was like a co-joined twin without the excellence of modern medical science to be able to separate my heart of faith from Gary's.
In my spiritual life, during these many months, I have been dragging around Gary's corpse. My heart of faith was unable to function properly. I wanted to live fully for Jesus and serve God with all of my life here on this earth but I didn't know how to do that because Gary's spiritual life was completely co-joined with mine.
But God has had a plan. He is the great physician and has been doing His mighty work within my heart. In the past few weeks Jesus has separated my spiritual life from Gary's and the freedom in that has been incredible.
Prior to God's mighty work in my heart, all I could see is what Gary and I were together. I could not see my own walk with God as an individual. Now I see how God has worked within me as an individual during these past 20 years of my life. I am now able to look back upon our marriage and see how God used me as a separate person within the bond of our incredible union in marriage.
I have realized that the most important aspect of my life throughout these many years, has been to love Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind and body. Yes, I did that along side of my husband but I was still an individual woman seeking and loving my savior.
I can look back at our life together and realize that in many ways Gary and I pulled each other closer to our savior. It wasn't Gary rushing ahead where I wouldn't know what to do spiritually without him, certainly not! Countless times, I was the one on my knees in deep intercession and worship. I was the one seeking God through hours of prayer and I was the one who seemed to dwell in the presence of God more deeply than anyone Gary had ever known or heard of. During the years of my marriage I knew my spiritual worth in our family. I understood how God was using me in my marriage, in our ministry, in Gary's life and in my children's lives. I could see the incredible fruit of my personal walk with God and my worship and intercession for my family and our ministry. However, these past many months since his death, all I have been able to see is Gary's walk with God and not my own. I felt like I had died along with him and I couldn't even picture who I was spiritually without Gary by my side.
Since God released me from the bondage to being co-joined with someone who has died, I can see that I have been a mighty woman of God these many years and I CAN CONTINUE to be so! For so long I felt completely immobilized spiritually as if I could not walk with God as a single woman. And yet my heart's desire is nothing more than to sit at Jesus feet and love him with my whole heart.
So I am praising Jesus tonight for his mighty work in my life and the continuing journey of grief that he is walking me through. He is healing me and delivering me each step of the way!
We were mutually passionate about the things of God. Neither one of us was came dragging our feet into marriage or trying to get the other person interested in the things of God. We were both head over heels in love with Jesus and extremely impassioned about serving him together in our daily life.
Our hearts of faith were joined together in such a way that to pull them apart would mean certain death. We were joined together as if we were Siamese twins. After Gary's death I was like a co-joined twin without the excellence of modern medical science to be able to separate my heart of faith from Gary's.
In my spiritual life, during these many months, I have been dragging around Gary's corpse. My heart of faith was unable to function properly. I wanted to live fully for Jesus and serve God with all of my life here on this earth but I didn't know how to do that because Gary's spiritual life was completely co-joined with mine.
But God has had a plan. He is the great physician and has been doing His mighty work within my heart. In the past few weeks Jesus has separated my spiritual life from Gary's and the freedom in that has been incredible.
Prior to God's mighty work in my heart, all I could see is what Gary and I were together. I could not see my own walk with God as an individual. Now I see how God has worked within me as an individual during these past 20 years of my life. I am now able to look back upon our marriage and see how God used me as a separate person within the bond of our incredible union in marriage.
I have realized that the most important aspect of my life throughout these many years, has been to love Jesus with all my heart, soul, mind and body. Yes, I did that along side of my husband but I was still an individual woman seeking and loving my savior.
I can look back at our life together and realize that in many ways Gary and I pulled each other closer to our savior. It wasn't Gary rushing ahead where I wouldn't know what to do spiritually without him, certainly not! Countless times, I was the one on my knees in deep intercession and worship. I was the one seeking God through hours of prayer and I was the one who seemed to dwell in the presence of God more deeply than anyone Gary had ever known or heard of. During the years of my marriage I knew my spiritual worth in our family. I understood how God was using me in my marriage, in our ministry, in Gary's life and in my children's lives. I could see the incredible fruit of my personal walk with God and my worship and intercession for my family and our ministry. However, these past many months since his death, all I have been able to see is Gary's walk with God and not my own. I felt like I had died along with him and I couldn't even picture who I was spiritually without Gary by my side.
Since God released me from the bondage to being co-joined with someone who has died, I can see that I have been a mighty woman of God these many years and I CAN CONTINUE to be so! For so long I felt completely immobilized spiritually as if I could not walk with God as a single woman. And yet my heart's desire is nothing more than to sit at Jesus feet and love him with my whole heart. So I am praising Jesus tonight for his mighty work in my life and the continuing journey of grief that he is walking me through. He is healing me and delivering me each step of the way!
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