Embarking on a brand new season of life!

This morning our sweet Sally decided that 4:00 AM was a good time for everyone to awaken so I stumbled out of bed to keep her company and to allow Bethany to sleep. Early mornings are my delight so I don’t mind the predawn feline wake up call.

I am sipping my coffee snuggled up into the most comfortable overstuffed chair imaginable with lit candles flickering by my side. We didn’t have these luxuries in Mexico so I’m really enjoying everything to the fullest right now.

It’s weird to be 47 years old and appraising one’s future. Previously, my life had been so naturally planned out. I was a wife, a mom, and a missionary. There isn’t much room in those positions for vocational change. Without warning two of these major life roles have vanished.

I suppose there are two categories to consider, ministry and home as well as providing financially for myself and my children.

At the current moment I cannot picture myself pursuing any type of full time ministry or missionary work. All of my life I have felt called to be a help mate, a servant and a partner to a man in ministry. For so many years servant hood to what God had called Gary to do and who God called Gary to be has been the defining role of my marriage. It’s as if “Gary and Rachel” equaled ministry partnership as much as any other specific area of intimacy. To attempt to imitate my past marriage would be dysfunctional at best. For that reason, ministry partnership as I knew it has died along with my precious husband.

What about the ministry of being a wife? What about servant hood to a husband? One time Gary grabbed me, pulled me into his arms and said, “You’re the best damn woman in the world!” The passion that would make a man of God swear has really stuck with me and although I am a total romantic at heart, that compliment has meant more to me than all the love poems that Gary wrote to me throughout our marriage!  One of the things that it spoke to me was the truth and passion of the moment. It’s similar when someone compliments my cooking, I can recognize the flair in my fingers to produce something gastronomically beautiful, healthy, and amazingly tasty. I remember hearing a famous model one time say that when she receives a compliment on her beauty she sees it as something totally outside of herself and can recognize what other’s praise without taking personal credit for having achieved it aside from simple genetics. In many ways I feel the same. Being a talented cook and a servant to my husband are spiritual gifts that God has given me. This is who he created me to be.  I can take no credit for them so I can stand back and appreciate the beauty of these gifts with humility.

So as a widow, do I see myself ever getting married again? Yes, definitely! As much as I see myself preparing dinner for 20 friends and continuing to discover all the wonders of the art of cooking throughout the years, I can visualize myself ministering to another man through the spiritual gift of being an excellent wife. I can say this without pride because I know this capacity is not of myself but a calling and a talent that God has given me and I can take no credit for his creative work in my life. It reminds me of a quote from the movie Chariots of Fire, which was about Eric Liddell’s running career. He was talking with his sister about his focus on the Olympic Games and for a time neglecting their mission’s work. In this intense scene between brother and sister Eric said, “I don’t know why but God made me fast and when I run I feel his pleasure.” I love this quote as it is very true as we walk in the gifting that God has given to us. When I cook I feel God’s pleasure! When I focus on a man and his needs and not upon myself, I feel God’s pleasure.  

I cannot nor would I want to plan a marriage as one plans a vocation so the role of marriage will rest totally in God’s hands and in God’s time.

This still leaves the question of how to provide for myself and my children. What are my passions?

b Ministry of the Word, worship and intercession.

b Being a wife

b Being a mom

b Singing

b Writing

b Cooking

Right now ministry is in the same category as being a wife. Ministry is something that God will need to specifically bring into my life as I yield myself totally to God and his work within me and through me. Ministry, especially worship and intercession have been my life’s passions. But they would need to be redefined in a different structure than “Gary and Rachel at Swordmaster Ministries Inc”.

I absolutely love being a mom and consider this also to be a spiritual calling. Yet the intensity of it is one that will end within a few years. I will always be a “mom” but not always be nearly as active in this role as I was when Nathaniel and Bethany were 5 and 6 years old. I’ll never teach them to read again or play “Math Monopoly” for the hundredth time or snuggle together as we read a bedtime story. Those years have passed forever, so that role in upcoming years will change drastically as I tearfully nudge them out of the nest to discover God’s great call upon their individual lives. (I am secretly hoping for a full quiver of grandchildren to keep me in the mothering role as “grand” mother to my baby’s babies! There’s nothing sweeter to me than to fill my kitchen with many children.)

I love to sing and worship but bottom line my musical ability (or the lack thereof) would never be a source of income in my life. One of the things I enjoy the most is getting lost in worship in my kitchen. I would never want to muddy the waters of the purity of worship to Jesus with trying to force my lack of musical talent into a vocation. Enjoying worship team and a Christmas choir are delightful outlets to my passion for worship but in all reality where I enter into God’s presence the most enthusiastically is in the privacy of my kitchen while tending to a juicy bison roast!

I have always enjoyed the written word and I have been told that I am very good at it. Bethany however, is the author in the family. I can see the difference between us. She could write 24/7 and still have a story developing in her mind. As for me, I need to be passionately moved about something in order to write. I don’t have thousands of unwritten stories in my head as Bethany does. On the other hand, when I feel something deeply I am moved to write about it. I believe I could write a Christian book and make a difference in people’s lives spiritually but writing as a vocation? I doubt that I have the drive and talent to break into the very tough field of making a living as an author.

So now we’re back to cooking! And this is what prompted getting my thoughts out on paper. A dear young friend in Taxco is now in Chef’s school and I am SO envious of him! As I consider my own life options I keep coming back to the very real talent of cooking.  I am thinking about researching the different aspects of how to further my culinary skills to use as a vocation. Yet, I cannot imagine being a chef stuck in the back of a restaurant shelling out meals on a cooking assembly line. Even at a nice restaurant this would lack any sense of creativity, servant hood and hospitality. All three of these ingredients are vital to my culinary enjoyment. I may as well get a job in a factory if I’m going to spend my life on a restaurant conveyer belt.

Another aspect would be to begin a catering business but as with any of the other arts that I’ve mentioned, it’s difficult to break into the catering field and really make a living at it. I don’t know if I have the luxury as a widow with two children to try to create a culinary business with all the risks and financial pitfalls involved. Right now I feel like a college student trying to figure out her future. I will continue to research and see what vocations could not only use my cooking skills but what keeps those talents alive such as creativity, servant hood and hospitality! Thankfully I have one year before I need to be producing income for my family so I have a little time to pray, research and consider my options.  

The bottom line of my life has always been the glory of God. What does any of this have to do with the glory of God? Right now I am not certain. I do know when I serve a guests a meal in my home that God gets glory from the warmth, the friendship, the delight and the gift of hospitality with which it is given. How does sticking a steak dinner on a restaurant conveyer belt give glory to God? I can’t picture how it does. But I’m sold out to the idea that my life gives sole glory to God and not to myself. If in some way I can provide for my children and give glory to God at the same time then it is all good!

I have to remember God’s promise to me that HE is doing a new thing. That I am in HIS hands and He is doing a new thing with me! So I trust him with all these options and all of these questions. I look at this time as a great adventure rather than a terrible trial. I have the profound opportunity of starting over. I am privileged to live a second set of years. I had an amazing life and marriage with Gary. What a profound honor and pleasure it was to be his wife. Now I am embarking on a brand new season of my life full of wonder, vivacity and anticipation of what is yet to come!

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our adventurous travels from Mexico City to Denver

I must share our travel adventures while they are fresh in my mind. I know there is humor in all situations so even as all of this was unfolding the writer in me was thinking, "this could make a very interesting story".

The weeks prior to our flight to Mexico were anything but relaxing. We had worked non-stop to pull together this move and we were nearing the point of exhaustion when we left our beloved Taxco and headed for Carlos and Susana's home in Mexico City. We spent a busy day with them and got up very early the next morning to go to the airport for our flight back to Colorado.

We were very loaded down with extra large luggage as well as additional pieces. We also had our little cat Sally who was NOT a happy traveler. Being of Siamese decent she howled every moment that she was in her pet carrier. Everything was tremendously heavy so walking from one end of the airport to another took great effort and balancing skills to get each piece of luggage stacked on top of each other so that they could be pulled. When we arrived at the airport I told Carlos that I needed to go to immigration in the airport to turn over our Mexican resident visas. Carlos was confused and tried to convince me that I didn't need to go to immigration. I finally was able to show him letters, written in Spanish, that i had to write for the Taxco immigration office regarding our move back to the States. He began to understand the situation so we proceeded to the immigration office.

When we arrived at immigration the office was closed and there was a line of people ahead of waiting for the office to open. We waited past 7:00 AM and Carlos finally found someone who told us that the office wouldn't open until 8:00. Well, with a 9:30 international flight I knew that we couldn't wait until 8:00 plus wait through the line of people, which someone estimated it to be an hour of people ahead of us! We didn't know what else to do but leave immigration and head for the United Airline ticketing area.

I had made on-line reservations but I was unable to do a boarding pass before we left for Mexico City. So this was a time consuming process with international travel, extra luggage, and a pet reservation. I was desperately trying to keep all of the information and all of our paperwork straight. I have never traveled internationally without a mission's leader or my husband. So keeping track of everything was new to me. Apparently I missed a very important detail and that was that we needed to have our visas stamped at the immigration kiosk, which was different than the immigration office where we had gone earlier.

In any case, we got our boarding passes and headed for security. At security we said our last goodbyes to Carlos and proceeded through the line. Security in Mexico was different than in the States. I had been told that I needed a certificate of health for our kitty but they never looked at my paper but demanded that I take her out of the pet carrier so that they could examine her. It was not my idea of a good time to take a hysterical cat out of a pet carrier and let someone examine her in the middle of the airport. I had terrible visions of her getting lose and spending the rest of her life dodging Mexican officials in the Mexico City airport! Bethany and I worked together to get her out of the pet carrier and despite her strong protests we got through the examination process.

Once we were through security we decided to grab a quick bite to eat. Everything went more slowly than we anticipated and we were a bit late in getting to our gate. Everyone had boarded but it was still 1/2 hour before take off. They looked at our boarding pass and our immigration forms and realized that we had Mexican resident visas. They told us that we had to get our visas stamped at the immigration kiosk but to hurry hurry hurry because the plane was getting ready to take off! We flew in the direction that they told us and arrived at another line for immigration but no person behind the desk! We waited a good 15 minutes without any hint of a person to help this line of people through immigration. Nathaniel flew back to the gate and told them that there wasn't anyone to help us. After another 10 minutes of paging and calling, finally an immigration officer showed up.

All the people in line told us to go to the front of the line and the flight attendant was standing there, CORRE! CORRE!!! (RUN! RUN!) We flew to the gate and they rushed Nathaniel and me through but detained Bethany! The flight attendant kept telling me to "CORRE!" onto the plane but my daughter was being drug tested and searched outside of the gate! I was so concerned about what was happening to Bethany that I couldn't think straight about what seats we had. The flight attendant, was impatient and demanded to know what seats we had. Meanwhile I'm carrying very heavy bags and a cat! Thankfully I saw Bethany board the plane and was so relieved to see my little girl!

At that time we did not know it but in all the confusion Bethany had lost her boarding pass for our flight from Las Angeles to Denver!

We got our seats but could not get the pet carrier (it was a very small one that met all the size regulations) to fit under the seat. The flight attendant kept telling me to stick it under my seat but I couldn't get it to clear the seat in front of me. So I handed poor Sally to Bethany to see if she could get the pet carrier under the seat. She could not so she tossed the now hysterical cat back to me. Finally the flight attendant realized that the pet carrier would not clear the seats so she went to find a solution. In the end I was moved to Economy Plus which has a wider seat clearance and Sally's carrier fit fine.

At that point I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I really missed Gary, not only for his care and leadership but I missed the comfort of having my dear husband to share in the stress and difficulty of the moment. I missed his arm around my shoulders and his fingers intertwining mine as the plane taxied down the runway and prepared for takeoff. It took me a good hour of flight to really feel normal again after such a hectic and traumatic boarding experience.

When we landed at LAX we went through customs with total amazing ease and I thought our troubles were behind us. I got a cup of coffee and we sat down to have some ice cream. We still had time to spare but we decided to proceed through security and then onto our gate. When we walked up to the security gate they noticed right away that the pet carrier did not have a tag on it. I told them that I had made reservations and paid for her flight about three weeks ago on-line and that we had come from Mexico City and were checked on with our pet without a problem. We were pulled aside while two people tried to find our pet reservations. We spent a good 1/2 hour trying to locate the reservation and payment to no avail! Finally I told them that I would just pay it again and take it up with them later if there was a double payment on my bank statement. They agreed to this and promptly charged me and tagged Sally's pet carrier.

 We then proceeded quickly to security with only 20 minutes before our flight was to take off! When we were asked for our passports and boarding passes at security, Bethany's was no where to be found! I had all three passports (thank God) and Nathaniel's and my boarding pass but somehow Bethany's was missing! Bethany's eyes filled with tears and we all realized that with all the time they took trying to locate Sally's reservations, we were desperately close to missing our flight once again! We ran back to the ticket counter. The ticketing agent told us that we would never make our flight that she would just issue other tickets for the next flight. No big deal right? Well, she didn't tell us right away that these tickets would be standby. She also didn't tell us that this standby flight was the LAST flight to Denver for the day!

When we did receive this information I nearly begged her to let us try to make our original flight but she assured us that we would not make it. So we thanked her and took the standby tickets and went through security.

When we got to our gate we were told that it was a full flight and that it would be unlikely to have three available seats. At this point Bethany began to cry in earnest. I think the most desperate issue was the fact that we had our cat in the airport with the very real possibility of spending the night. She had been in her pet carrier at that point for 12 hours without a litter box, food or water. I couldn't imagine what we would do with her if we couldn't get a flight to Denver. Visions of "Home Alone" kept going through my head and I nearly began to offer to pay people for their seats and thoughts of begging were close at hand! We began to talk about one of us going and the other two staying behind. Then I started to cry at the thought of some of us being left behind and alone, on the 19th of all dates! (Gary died 6 months ago that day.)

As our discussion unfolded we decided that if there was one seat that Nathaniel would take Sally and go on to Denver while Bethany and I would stay behind. I also talked Bethany into going with Nathaniel and leaving me alone should there be two seats. I stood there watching Bethany cry while I prayed for God to make a way where there seemed to be no way! The plane boarded and there was no seat for any of us. So I made a last effort and asked someone else and somehow they found one seat for Nathaniel and Sally! So off he ran into the plane and out of our site.

Bethany and I felt so very much alone but I decided to try to bring some good out of this situation and turn something bad into a mother and daughter adventure! And that is exactly what we did. We found a hotel in LA that had an airport shuttle and checked into a nice hotel room. We enjoyed our first night in the States by taking a bubble bath, being thrilled at the amazing products and Walgreen's and going out to eat together. It really was a bonding time and ended up being quite a fun time that we spent together.

Nathaniel and I were able to msg on FB so I knew that he and Sally arrived in Colorado safely. So it was all good!

Bethany and I flew to Colorado on a 6:00 AM flight the next morning and we all reunited in the Denver airport where Judi Davidson picked us up! And thus ended a very long 2 days of travel from Mexico City to Denver!

First two days in the States!

We’ve been in the States now for 2 days. It doesn’t seem real yet as we haven’t gone out on our own and visited anything familiar to our family. Chan’s home, where we are staying, is an amazing house and perfect for our family. Not only is the guest house beautiful but it is very warm and inviting with a wonderfully large kitchen! I never expected anything like this. It’s amazing!

Right now the changes that we are dealing with are being able to drink the faucet water, putting paper in the toilet, and walking around without shoes on without fearing for our lives with scorpions! These are all very good changes! Yet, ones that take emotional energy to adjust to. The most difficult for me is the toilet paper issue. I think because I saw the sewer system in our house in Taxco and I know why Mexican’s put their toilet tissue in a trash can. The way the sewer pipes are constructed, it’s just impossible to carry paper through them. So having seen our house system and worrying about accidental paper getting into the lines, I’m especially sensitive to this aspect.

 In LAX Bethany and I went to the bathroom and I thought, “Oh great, no trash can by the toilet! Now what do I do, carry this around all day?” And then I remembered, “Dah, I can flush it!” The first time I brushed my teeth with faucet water I did it literally with a lot of fear. Those safety habits become such a part of your life in Mexico that to do otherwise is extremely dangerous. (We’re talking Typhoid not just a little tummy ache!) Nathaniel said that he went through the same thing at Judi Davidson’s home when she offered him his first glass of water. He smiled and took it and then looked around for the purified water jug to make certain that she used purified water and not tap water! It took him a few minutes to remember that this caution wasn’t necessary. Bethany and I have been enjoying walking around in our socks. Yet, getting up in the middle of the night I was really scared to walk across the floor. It felt like I was doing something really daring to go without shoes to the bathroom!

It’s also been really difficult to remember not to speak in Spanish. Nathaniel summed it up perfectly when he said that Spanish was our outward language. We rarely spoke it at home other than incorporating certain words and expressions into our everyday life. But the moment we were not with our immediately family, Spanish was the only language spoken (except with a couple friends who speak moderate English.) Therefore, in the airport when we were being asked questions, our natural response was “Si, gracias and the ever present “Buenos dias, tardes, or noches” when greeting someone. We all slipped up a couple of times and used Spanish to a very white American airport employee!

So yes, right now we are in reverse culture shock. We love everything around us, as we loved everything around us in Mexico; it just takes time to adjust to a new way of doing things and a “new” culture! We all have said that we feel like we’re on some type of vacation. It hasn’t sunk into our emotions that we’ve moved back. The only grief moment I’ve had is seeing the Chan’s night stand lamps in the guest house master bedroom. They were Gary’s and mine and Laura and Eugene bought them before we left for Mexico. Laura told me in an e-mail that they were in the guest house so I was prepared but it was still difficult to see them. Otherwise, nothing is familiar enough yet for there to trigger memories good or sorrowful. Right now my grief seems easier because everything is so different. I don’t have the familiar memories of my life in Mexico with Gary and we haven’t gone to our family places in Loveland yet.

Today I’m going to get a winter coat and a pair of jeans! All I have are capris, short sleeved shirts and a light cardigan sweater! Nathaniel’s been building with a Lego set that he bought and had sent to Chan’s before we arrived, Bethany’s been reading (what else) and I’ve been admiring my first American kitchen!. I can’t wait to cook a meal here.

We will desperately miss the Mexican people and areas of the Mexican culture. We won’t miss the inconveniences of living outside of the States. In the States we have purified water coming out of the faucet, dishwashers, clothes dryers, no fear of scorpions, driving a car once again, healthy food, and amazing array of products, and comfy furniture. There are also wonderful bargain locations such as garage sales, Craig’s List and coupons at Kohl’s! (Coupons do not exist in Mexico!) When we rest from the enormous amount of stress and work that it took to move back to the States, we will be shocked at how easy life is compared to our life in Mexico. It takes so long just to accomplish a simple task like running to the store for a forgotten ingredient in a recipe or drying clothes in the rainy season, or washing an enormous amount of dishes each day by hand, and so on and so forth. America is not only the land of the free and the brave but the land of tremendous conveniences!

I miss our friends though. I miss the natural expression of physical affection in Mexico. I miss the personal quality of talking with someone in a Mexican airport or other place of business. I miss beginning every encounter with a smile, a greeting and a less hurried pace. Mexico is the “feel good” capital of the world! If you’re feeling sad or lonely just go out and about in a Mexican town and when you come back home you’ll be uplifted and joyful. It’s sort of like the old show Cheers, yet not limited to people who know your name but just the whole Mexican world. It’s a comforting place of love, friendship and relational warmth. I don’t know how many glasses of water direct from the faucet are going to make up for the loss of our friends and the love and warmth we found within the arms of the Mexican people.

So for right now, our feet are on American soil but our hearts are still in Mexico and probably always will be to a small extent. Bethany said to me during our “girl’s night in LA”, “Mom, I think a part of me will always be Mexican”, “Me too, honey, me too!”

 

 

I Can Only Imagine!

 

 

My heart has been focused on Heaven these past six months. Sometimes the thoughts have been wonderful and sometimes they have been very difficult. But one thing is for certain, the focus in Heaven is Jesus and not our earthly pleasures. That may disturb some but it's not meant to be disappointing but rather completely glorious!

 

On earth we look into our beloved's eyes. Gary had piercing blue eyes that I absolutely loved to look at. The more intimate the moment and the greater the love shared, the more deeply we gazed into each other's eyes. 

 

On earth we face each other. When a man takes a woman into his arms to dance they are facing each other. You can tell the level of intimacy in a relationship by the depth of the gaze of the eyes. When a couple goes out to dinner, once again they face each other and lean in for close cherished conversation. When we steal a kiss, we are facing each other. In all the intimacies of a physical relationship we are facing each other.

 

Yet in Heaven, I believe we will be facing outward with our eyes intently focused on Jesus.

 

The marriage relationship was created to mirror, to be a shadow of, to point us towards our love relationship with Christ. Our relationship with Christ is the reality. Our marriages were just pointers or a road map that was created to guide us into the depths of intimacy with our savior! This is why faithfulness in marriage is so important to God. Marriage is intended to mirror our relationship with Jesus and his relationship with us. God is a faithful God. All through scripture God refers to Israel's lack of faith as harlotry. Why is this? It is because we are the bride of Christ and because Jesus is the lover of our souls! When we are unfaithful in our walk with God and serve other things, the main issue is that we are breaking our marriage covenant with Jesus!!! We were created to be in such an intimate relationship with God that even the beauty of the sexual union between a husband and wife, still falls short in describing what we are created for in Christ!

 

In heaven all of this joy and esctasy in our relationship to Christ will be realized. In heaven I will be the bride of Christ.....not the bride of Gary.

 

I think this is one reason why scripture is clear that our marriage relationship ends upon the death of our spouse. "Till death do us part". No where does scripture indicate that there is a delay in our marriages while we wait to die and join our beloved spouse. No. Scripture is clear that our marriages end when our precious loved one dies.

 

Does this bring sorrow? Well, yes I suppose it does as I am grieving the total end to my marriage. I don't have the idea that Gary and I will share a celestial cabin and I will cook him wonderful meals and life will go on as it did on earth just without any difficult days. That's not how scripture describes eternity. We will be fully alive but domestic bliss is a human earlthy experience and one that was created to be temporary.

 

Our focus and our delight in Heaven will be in our love relationship with Christ and being his bride! We will dwell forever in the glory of God! I'm sure that there will be deep fellowship unlike anything we've ever experienced here on this earth. But the central theme of that fellowship will be in Christ not "in marriage".

 

We will be face to face with our savior and gazing into his eyes! The marriage supper of the lamb is where we will dance the wedding dance with our savior! We will look into the blazing eyes of Jesus and he will look into our grace purified faces and in that moment we will understand the full meaning of what it is to be the bride of Christ!

 

I can only imagine...........................

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



Beautiful again.....

Today most of our furniture was sold and picked up. We're down to the extreme bare essentials. I'm feeling very raw today. It's like more and more of Gary dying as our family furniture disappears. The desk that he prepared for sermons; the bed that we slept in; and the table that we ate together as a family and had so many celebrations with our friends here in Mexico. Everything that we shared together is now gone and my heart is breaking in two. Even the things that we are keeping that remind me of him, such as my Kitchen-Aid mixer that he bought for me, are now packed away in boxes. Our house is empty. It's empty of things and it's desolate and void without Gary.

It's weird, sometimes I forget what his voice sounded like and I get afraid of memories slipping from my consciousness. The pain of loss is deeper than any pain I've ever experienced. It's more real and more intense than childbirth. It can grab me at unexpected times with gut wrenching sobs and a force of pain that I've never known before in my life.

And then other times, I fear that I'll forget how to love. I don't mean that I won't remember how to love my children, or my friends, or my God but that I'll forget what it's like to love a man. Walking with my fingers intertwined in his was so natural, caressing his ring while we prayed together, and kissing him was such a part of every day life. It's all starting to feel foreign to me and that is terrifying.

I want to love again but I don't want to be a teenager again! Gary and I had mature love, we had comfortable love, we had secure love. What would it be like to start all over again? What comfort there is in feeling exuberantly in love and being free to express that love in a multitude of ways within the security and comfort of marriage. There's no pressure to say the "right" thing because I am already loved and accepted. There isn't any wondering if I should hold back or dive in, because in either situation the dance of marriage was beautiful.

I always had a talent for creating romance in our marriage. No matter how tired we both were or how stressful life was, I could always create the perfect setting for a relaxing and beautiful evening together. It was the delight of my life to anticipate my beloved's needs and disappointments in his busy day and orchestrate an evening accordingly.

So yes, I suppose I'm feeling very alone right now and afraid of the future. I am a complex person. I have a "flaming extrovert" side to my personality. I am also a strong leader and can overcome incredible obstacles. But I also have a very introverted, shy and quiet side. In marriage I was able to be a complete person and shared all the aspects of my personality with Gary. I could sing and cook and invite the neighborhood in for dinner but I also  needed to sit quietly with my husband and snuggle in without needing or wanting to face any other person other than my husband. It's in those more introverted times when I miss him the most. The times when I want to let down my hair and not worry about how I look, what my voice sounds like, or what people will think. I'm my beloved's and he is mine and his banner over me was love. Gary covered me with a protective banner of love. and now at times I feel very naked, exposed and alone. I miss being emotionally carried and comfortable in his arms.

The weird part about all of these emotions is that I must let go of Gary and let the love that we shared rest in the past before I can welcome all these beautiful things back into my life again in the future. We humans do not like pain. We run from it, we flee from it and we abuse chemicals to numb it. Yet, facing the emotional pain of loss is what frees us up move on in our life and to embrace the future.

 I believe that Gary's and my relationship was incredible because we made it incredible. First and foremost we both knew without any doubt that God was calling us to get married. Not just "allowing" us to get married but we felt the mandate to get married! Secondly, we worked hard together to make our marriage a Godly and loving one. This was not an easy journey. We were both strong willed and opinionated people with a truck load of baggage from our past. Yet, we were diligent to work through these things in order to have a wonderful and strong marriage. And that we did! The result was an intimacy that was unparalleled in those around us. We were diligent to become one, in body, soul, and spirit and the resulting marriage was fantastic!

Because of the effort that went into our marriage, I believe that most great marriages come from sacrifice and yielding to God to become a servant to each other. Great marriages don't just happen, they are created! Gary and I weren't handed a "story book marriage", our story was written through the fiery trials of life. We had a marriage filled with diligence, effort and Godliness and the fruit of that was absolutely astounding!

I typically think in analogies so please indulge me with this one:

Let's say that Great Uncle Hubert died and left our family a perfect mansion that was the epitome of all of our dreams. We lived in this house and loved this home incredibly! But then a storm came, a terrible storm and a tornado force wind drove it's fury right through the middle of this beautiful house that had been given to us. We were terribly saddened but assumed that Great Uncle Hubert must have taken out a large insurance policy on such a house. Yet, our sadness turned to despair when we realized that the insurance policy had expired. Our home was gone and our dreams had died. We despaired even of life itself!

On the other hand, let's assume that Great Uncle Hubert willed us a run down old historic house that was falling apart at the seems. "Gee thanks Uncle Hubert!, thanks a bunch!" But instead of wallowing in our complaints we began to clean, paint and restore this old junk heap of a house. Within a year's time we had a beautiful home that had the creativity of our family all over it. The warmth of the home had our personal tastes, styles and our hard working finger prints as its heart and soul. This wasn't "Uncle Hubert's" run down house anymore, this was our family home that was lovingly established by every drop of sweat, every tear of frustration and every paint stained t-shirt in our closet of well worn work clothes!

What if a tornado hit the second house???? We would weep, wail and mourn deeply because the second house had more intimate value in our life. The second house had become part of our very being. We had invested our very lives in the second house and we had become "one" with her. But after our terrible season of grief what would we do??? We would be willing to invest our lives into another home should God bring one into our lives. We did it once and it was incredible, we can certainly start over with another house and restore it beautifully! The second house may be an English Tutor home rather than a farm house. The resulting beauty would be vastly different but it would be incredible just the same!

My marriage to Gary was not handed to me on a silver platter. We worked hard for what we had and our marriage was truly amazing! It wasn't a once in a lifetime chance at happiness but something that we learned to do and learned to do it very well! :) It is the realization that we worked hard to create something incredible that gives me the strength and hope to press onward to the future. Our marriage wasn't handed to us on a silver platter but the effort involved showed us that Godliness and servant hood really does bring amazing fruit.

I don't know what kind of plans God has for me in the future but I do know that as I yield my whole heart continually to His sovereign plan, life will be beautiful again!

So I'm faced with this dance of pain. Do I face the pain head-on in order to heal thoroughly and become whole and healed in Jesus? Or do I run from the pain and get stuck in a never ending cycle of sadness, grief, and regret? As difficult as it is I am face to face with grief and dealing with it deeply, as I walk side-by-side with my savior. I am committed to allowing Him to conform me more and more into the image of Christ and to mold my heart more closely to His own. Therefore, I set my eyes on Christ and on Christ alone as I press onwards the future! He will make a way for life to be beautiful again!

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” Is. 43:18-19

New Beginnings!

I felt compelled this morning to begin a new blog. There's no way that I could continue with "Mama Raquel's Cocina" which focused on my marriage and ministry here in Southern Mexico. Yet, as a writer I am very drawn to express my journey through the written word, so here I sit after a 5 month break from blogging ready to begin with fresh insight and focus.

This is not going to be a blog focused on grief although it will include sorrowful moments as I am still in the grieving process. The purpose and goal of this season of my life is to focus on what God has for me in my future, to be conformed more and more to the image of Christ and to follow him completely with body, soul and spirit.
The verse that God has been laying on my heart is:
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” Is. 43:18-19

I haven't even begun to wrap my head and heart around what God might be up to in my life but as His plans unfold I will be writing about the glory of His ways that His name might be praised!

Two weeks from right now we will be inflight to Denver. My hope is not in Colorado but in my savior that has led us back to Colorado. The changes in our life right now are astronomical. I was pondering yesterday the process of getting curtain material for Bethany to make curtains for our new home in Colorado Springs. I was thinking of how to ask for the specific measurements in SPANISH! And then I realized that I won't need to do this in Spanish at Joann Fabric!!! dah! I'm realizing that reverse culture shock is as real as regular culture shock. Our family is going to be in a whirlwind of change for awhile. Yet, God is faithful and good and he will carry us through.

I took a long walk this morning and had time "alone" (on the busy streets of Taxco) to think and pray. There's so much to process in the packing up our lives and leaving Mexico. There's so much to think about in our returning to Loveland without Gary. Yet, for every moment of sadness that comes into my life there is an equal amount of hope and joy. I never anticipated the end of my marriage in 2012. Gary and I never imagined that he would die so young. Having married a man who was 18 years older than myself, I thought a lot about being a widow but never at 46! We just did not anticipate this journey through grief so quickly and early in our marriage.

Yet God came for my beloved that July afternoon and what am I left with? I have two amazing children, a wonderful network of friends and family, and as many years left on this earth to serve God as he deems well and good.

 It was wonderful to honor Gary because he was an honorable person! Praying for him, praising him, and enjoying my beloved has always been the delight of my life. But Gary is no longer with me and it is not good to take up permanent residency in the past. In all reality I can no longer honor him, praise him or enjoy him. So I must move onward and press into what God has for me in the present and future because despite man's desire for time travel, none of us can jump in a Delorean and savor the years gone by! So in my memory I honor Gary but in the day to day of life it's really impossible to walk in the role that I have enjoyed for so many years.

Actually, pressing on into God's plan for the future is exactly what Gary would have wanted me to do. I know that he would not have wanted me to dwell in the past. He was a visionary, a prophet, and one who would press into following God deeply which always involves the future and not the past. If he were here he would grab my hand and say, "Rachel, get goin into what God has for you! and don't look back, even if I'm back there, don't keep looking at me but look into the eyes of Jesus in front of you pressing onward." I know this is what he would say to me and so it is honoring to my husband to press onward through grief and rest in the healing hand of God!

And so I have been launched into this journey of "New Beginnings" and discovering how to grow deeper in Jesus and fuller in my fellowship with him.

 “Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” Is. 43:18-19