Goodbye my love

My Dear Husband,

 You have been gone from us for a year now. A whole year; it’s difficult to believe that it has been a full year and yet it often feels like it has been centuries and centuries since you last held me in your arms. Sometimes I try to picture you walking through the door. Everything has changed, not only are we not in Mexico but we are no longer in Loveland. The “door” that you would walk through goes into a house that you’ve never called home. So picturing you here with us is difficult and painful.
 

The kids and I are doing well. For awhile I didn’t think that I would survive. I almost lost my mind in a tsunami of grief. I honestly didn’t know if I would pull out of the depths of sorrow. I was trying so hard and yet sinking further down into despair. Yet, God is so faithful and so gracious. He rescued me and has given me the opportunity to joyfully thrive and move on in my life without you.
 

But because I have been doing so well, I have been thinking of the scene in Family Man, the scene at the end that always made me cry softly in your arms as we held each other and watched that movie for the 80^th time. And I know that a tear would be glistening in your eye as well. It’s the scene where Jack decides to not give up in trying to win Kate back. He’s at the airport yelling to her across all the people about their children, about their love, and about their life together. He says, “I know we could both go on with our separate lives and we would be okay, but I know what we can be together. I know our love and I know how good we are together and I choose us”. Remember how we would always say that to each other? "I choose us!" I still remember you singing to me "la la la la means I love you". Recently I’ve been thinking so often of that scene in the airport. I finally can see that the kids and I are going to be alright, we’re going to go on with our life and be okay. BUT…..I know what the two of us can be together and Gary, I choose us! I want to scream at you to not get on that plane. Please Gary don’t go to Paris, not tonight”. But the snow never begins to fall, the glimpse never becomes reality, and you are gone.  And my life now is just a fading memory of what we had, the depth of love that we shared, and the passion with which we loved.

I lie in this big bed alone, I’ve taken your side because my side was too painful. As soon as I was on my side it seemed as though you should be lying there next to me. I couldn’t bare the pain. I have a new bed of course as I couldn’t move ours from Mexico. It’s really comfortable and beautiful, you would really enjoy it. I have girly bedding now though, which you would have only tolerated at best. I miss holding your hand as I fall asleep. How many countless years did we do that? Every single night we held hands and it was torture when you left me to have no warm hand to slip my fingers into when I crawled into bed at night. I miss making love to you and the depths and the joys of intimacy that we shared. More than anything, I miss sitting on the backyard swing with your arm around me as we would gently swing for hours. I miss your friendship and the fellowship in the things of God so very much. I make friends fairly easily but you and I shared a depth of spiritual intimacy that I’ve never had with anyone else. I want so badly to talk about the things of God with you, worship with you and to pray with you. We were truly one in the Spirit and I really miss having that unity with another person.

Nathaniel and Bethany are doing very well. They love you so much and miss you tremendously. We all miss your Bible teaching more than any other aspect of our life together. What a tremendous Godly legacy you have left with our children. We all have found Bible study difficult this year because when we pick up our Bibles all we “hear” throughout the pages is dad’s voice. “Is it Paul or is it Dad???” we jokingly say. It’s just been so very painful to read those words that you taught for so many years and yet you are not here with us. I had to buy a new Bible without your our bible study notes, in order to be able to freely read scripture again. I cherish your teaching but it was just too painful for me right now to be bombarded with such a deep loss every time I opened my Bible.

We unpacked all of your books and amazingly they all made the rough journey from Mexico without harm. I’ve organized them differently than you always did and they are in the living room now rather than the office. As I unpacked each commentary or study book your life and your fingerprints were upon everything as they are etched upon our hearts.

So tomorrow marks the end of the first year without you. My year of grief has ended and I am saying goodbye to you for the last time. You will always be a significant and beautiful part of my life but you will never be my husband ever again and I am allowing you to dwell in the joyful memories of my past as I press on to what God has for me in the future. I am so very grateful for the 18 wonderful years that we had together. I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. I will cherish you and love you forever. Yet, with God's grace I am transferring my relationship with you and the intensity of my love for you to the past because that is when we were married. It is amazing to me to realize that I am the age now that you were when we got married on that warm November day so many years ago. This knowledge gives me hope. I realize that even though our life together was amazing and that our love was deep and tremendously intimate, that God is not finished with me yet and that he has a plan and purpose for me.

 

So honey, I am releasing you to your Heavenly home and saying goodbye one last time. Thank you for being the type of husband and father that it nearly killed us to walk through losing you! You were an incredible husband and father and we will cherish and love you always.

 

All my love for all time
remember la la la la la means I love you..............

Rachel

 

 

I

 

 

"For me to live is Christ and to die is gain!"

"Dust In The Wind"

I close my eyes, only for a moment, and the moment's gone
All my dreams, pass before my eyes, a curiosity
Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind

Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea
All we do, crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see

Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind

Don't hang on, nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky
It slips away, all your money won't another minute buy

Dust in the wind, All we are is dust in the wind

Kerry Livgren (Kansas) 1977

“Meaningless! Meaningless!”
    says the Teacher.
“Utterly meaningless!
    Everything is meaningless.

 What do people gain from all their labors
    at which they toil under the sun?
 Generations come and generations go,
    but the earth remains forever.
The sun rises and the sun sets,
    and hurries back to where it rises.
The wind blows to the south
    and turns to the north;
round and round it goes,
    ever returning on its course.
All streams flow into the sea,
    yet the sea is never full.
To the place the streams come from,
    there they return again.
All things are wearisome,
    more than one can say.
The eye never has enough of seeing,
    nor the ear its fill of hearing.
What has been will be again,
    what has been done will be done again;
    there is nothing new under the sun.
 Is there anything of which one can say,
    “Look! This is something new”?
It was here already, long ago;
    it was here before our time.
 No one remembers the former generations,
    and even those yet to come
will not be remembered
    by those who follow them!"

Ecclesiastes 1-King Solomon (the Bible)
 

"For me to live is Christ and to Die is gain" the apostle Paul (the Bible)

Growing up in the 70s and 80s my generation grappled with the futility of life more than previous generations. In the 60s there was rebellion against the wisdom of age and the "establishment". There was the idea that if the younger generation only rebelled against the older generation that there would be meaning to life and the world would be a better place. "Don't trust anyone over 30" was the cry of the 60s. When in reality that generation only escalated the crisis that the world was in.

In my high school, in the early 80s, there were hard drugs openly bought and sold in class and the school motto was "party hearty, die high!" The idea was that life was just a joke anyway so we may as well enjoy it while we can. Although I never bought into this partying mentality, the hopelessness of the generation that I grew up in effected me none-the-less. I remember movies such as "The Day After" and others like it, which portrayed the complete desolation and destruction after a nuclear war.

So what did my generation do with this hopeless attitude after graduation and college? Well, the "party hearty, die high" motto gets a little old when pursuing a career, spouse and family. So we all settled down into modern American life but we still held onto the same hopeless world view. It simply transformed from partying to purchasing. "He who dies with the most toys wins!" became the new mantra of my generation. Bow down to the God of luxury because nothing matters anyway.

But what does scripture say about eternity???
One of Gary's strongest approaches to life was, "What does the Bible say?" He didn't take kindly to the modern idea of, "what it means to me is......" Gary wanted to know what scripture meant to God and those to whom the word of God was revealed. What does this scripture mean to the Holy Spirit, was a lot more important to Gary, than what does this verse mean to the guy next to him in church. Gary wanted to know God's truth and heart in the Bible, which would then determine how he and the guy next to him should respond to the absolute truth of the Word of God.

So, what does our mortality mean to God? What does scripture say about everything being meaningless? What do we do with this thing called Death when we are face to face with it's harsh realities?

These are the questions that I have been wrestling with during the past year since Gary died. In that year I have been surrounded by the aftermath of death on all sides. Being part of a very precious and Godly group of widows from across the country, I have been encompassed by people who have experienced the loss of their beloved. I have also become acutely and suddenly aware of the many other deaths around me. A friend loses a wife, a young brother is diagnosed with cancer, a child drowns, a sister innocently gets killed by a drunk driver and the list goes on and on.

In the years previous to Gary dying I did not think much about death. I went from one life and ministry adventure to another and pictured Gary being carried peacefully to his heavenly home when he was in his mid to late 90s and I was in my 80s. We even joked about the possibility of my dying first and upsetting the apple cart of expectations of him getting to go to Heaven before me because of our 18 year age difference. In these comradare filled moments, never in our wildest imaginations did we envision that death would hit our family so horrifically and so early.

In this past year I've grappled with a lot of hard questions. The human emotional response to death seems to be to just luuv everyone and express that luuv openly, "Hug your child", "kiss your spouse", "don't go to bed angry", and so on and so forth. Another response to the hopelessness of death that I mentioned earlier, whether it's to "party heart and die high" or "the one with the most toys wins"  says, "I MUST live every moment to the fullest and grab everything in sight because life is meaningless anyway.

What I have been wrestling with is: What is God's attitude towards death? What in our life would compel an almighty God to welcome us to Heaven and say, "Well done my good and faithful servant?" What is the meaning of life as a realtor? Doctor? Or clerk at Walmart? What is my purpose in life now that I am no longer a missionary, no longer a wife, and no longer able to be a stay at home mom?

The bottom line of it all is, what does "For me to live is Christ, and to die is gain." really mean? What did Paul mean when he wrote it and what did the Holy Spirit intend to teach us by including this excerpt of Paul's life into Holy Scripture? And so I would wrestle.

I certainly do not understand everything about the meaning of life and our calling from God to live on this planet for a few short years. But I am here to share with you a little of my journey and the path of understanding that God has led me on.

About three years before going on the mission field the Holy Spirit began to do a work in Gary's and my heart. God began to overwhelm us with a desire to live our lives totally and completely for the glory of God. We began to desire to go to Mexico and minister the Gospel of grace, not "for" the Mexican people but "for" the Glory of God. In this call to the Glory of God we saw how human compassion would never cut it on the mission field. And having lived as a missionary I can say, that human compassion absolutely would NOT have gotten us through. When the earthquakes hit, the scorpions crawled into bed with us, and we were faced with every hardship and struggle imaginable, had it not been for the call to the Glory of God, we would never have stayed in Mexico more than the excitement and duration of a vacation.

It's been about five years now where the call and passion to do all things for the Glory of God has consumed Gary's and my life and now my life as a single woman. Yet, what does this mean in the nuts and bolts of waking up each morning? I think what God has shown me is that the verse where Paul says, "For me to live is Christ and to die is gain" comes together perfectly with a call and a passion to do all things for the Glory of God.

How do we live for eternity when our life can be so ordinary? It was much easier for this to make sense though on the mission field and a lot more difficult to picture what it will look like as I obtain my realtor's license. What does buying and selling houses have to do with the Glory of God??? How does being a realtor support the Biblical call to have our minds and hearts focused on eternity? And so I have wrestled......And through this wrestling I believe that God has shown me something profound.

 

The beach from our resort hotel

Two weeks after Gary died, several friends of ours treated our family to a vacation in Zihuatenejo Mexico. It is a beautiful beach resort town many many kilometers from our mountainous home in Taxco. We spent an incredible week at a very expensive resort hotel, eating the finest foods, and playing in the ocean with abandon. We even had a souvenir budget as we toured this beach town and my children discovered and shared my passion for the ocean.

Nathaniel Jet skiing in Zihuatenejo

Yet, no matter what we did in Zihuatenejo we were still in our hearts and in our actions citizens of Taxco, Guerrero. Taxco was home and no matter how wonderful the ocean was we all knew that we were just there for a brief time. When Bethany and I bought our hammocks, Nathaniel's big question was where and how would we hang them in our home in Taxco? Everything we did, even all of the crazy fun stuff that we experienced, such as jet skiing and chartering a fishing boat and eating our fresh caught fish on a neighboring beach, everything was focused on building our life as a family of missionaries to Taxco. Being missionaries to Taxco was our focus even while we were on vacation in Zihuatenejo. yet. we didn't sit forlorn in our hotel room pining for Taxco. We enjoyed Zihuatenejo to the fullest. We went to neighboring beaches and got plummeted to the depths of the ocean by the largest waves I had ever seen. We swam in the hotel pool, we jumped the ocean waves for endless hours, we built sandcastles, watched the beautiful sunsets, and walked the endless expanse of sand. We laughed, we talked, we loved and we built incredible memories in Zihuatenejo Mexico! Despite all the intense experiences, our heart was still focused on Taxco and home. For us to live was Taxco and to go home was gain!

Taxco-HOME

This revelation has changed my thinking. It was a spiritual revelation, which is difficult to communicate effectively in human terms. The Holy Spirit has totally changed my thinking about this short vacation we call life on planet earth. I now realize that we're all in Zihuatenejo if you will, and we are all heading home to Taxco, sooner than any of us may realize! The difficulty in this journey home to heaven is that we are all on different buses and different schedules. I probably won't journey home with Nathaniel and Bethany. Our travel home to Heaven is a solo journey as we fall into the arms of our savior. Of course this brings pain to those left to build sand castles alone on the beach of Zihuatenejo but when we see this life as just a short vacation at the ocean, we realize how brief it all is and that our focus during this vacation called life should be our home not our hotel!

"For me to live is Christ and to die is gain!" We're goin home folks! While we're here it's okay to go para sailing but as we're flying in the sky having fun on our vacation our heart is still wrapped around Taxco and home. Some days are mundane such as grocery shopping for supplies at our hotel suite and yet there are other times when this vacation gets serious and deep as we share with a chef and restaurant owner our passions for our home in Taxco. This vacation called "life" is a mixture of sorrow, tears, joys and triumphs but when our heart is so tied up in our savior and the Glory of God, we will always be thinking about home and sharing it with those around us. This is living the Christian life with a passion for the glory of God and a heart for our eternal home.


 As God prepared Gary's heart to journey home to heaven, Gary's spirit was enthralled with praise and worship to his savior. One of the last songs we sang at our family Bible study before Gary died was this old hymn called, "This World is Not My Home!"


THIS WORLD IS NOT MY HOME

Verse 1:
This world is not my home, I'm just a passing thru,
My treasures are laid up somewhere beyond the blue;
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Chorus:
O Lord, you know I have no friend like you,
If Heaven's not my home, then Lord what will I do?
The angels beckon me from Heaven's open door,
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Verse 2:
They're all expecting me, and that's one thing I know.
My Savior pardoned me and now I onward go;
I know He'll take me thru tho I am weak and poor,
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Verse 3:
I have a loving mother up in gloryland.
I don't expect to stop until I shake her hand;
She's waiting now for me in Heaven's open door,
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Verse 4:
Just up in gloryland we'll live eternally.
The saints on ev'ry hand are shouting victory.
Their songs of sweetest praise drift back from Heaven's shore.
And I can't feel at home in this world anymore.

Our new home in Colorado Springs!

As some of you all know we found a house yesterday in the Springs! God certainly covered our backs in this series of events. First of all, it is amazing that I even found this house as I wasn’t officially looking but just sat down to relax in between our church service and a graduation party. We were planning on beginning our housing search next week and then we would set up appointments and spend 2-3 days in Colorado Springs looking at houses and trying to lock something down. Scanning the on-line postings prior to our ability to plan a visit in the Springs was somewhat counterproductive but I simply wanted to relax and see what was out there for early July.

As I was sitting on Chan’s comfy recliner with my laptop surfing through house listings one home in particular caught my eye. It advertised 1/3 acre with fruit trees and garden space! Given our family history of flower and vegetable gardening I was instantly thrilled at the description of this home! I looked through the photos and description and was delighted that they allowed pets but not only pets but specifically cats! Having Sally in our family has been a very difficult aspect of our finding a rental home. Most places do NOT allow pets at all and when a property manager does allow pets it is typically only one dog. Poor Sally has been rejected by home owners countless times despite her sweet disposition and very clean toilet habits. When I saw that this home actually welcomed cats it was a huge plus in my mind.

I sent a quick e-mail inquiry regarding the house, closed my laptop and got ready for Hannah’s graduation. Yet, I couldn’t get this house off of my mind. When we got home in the evening, I had a response from the home owner. Monday morning I called him and set up and appointment in Colorado Springs for Tuesday at 11:00 am.

We got to the Springs early so that we could drive by the house prior to the showing. I tend to get distracted when someone is showing me a house. So it was helpful to get a good feel for the home before I was involved in a conversation with the landlord. We instantly loved the neighborhood, the yard, and the trees in the back. When Morty, the home owner arrived we quickly connected very pleasantly with him.

The house is a split entry, which in itself would NOT be something that we would choose. Yet, it is a beautiful house that will make a good home for our family despite the weird 70s split entry design. There are 3 bedrooms, 3 bathrooms and an office! It is perfect!!! The kitchen is a nice size with beautiful marble counters and brand new appliances. And of course the land is perfect for us. It is so peaceful and private.

Morty walked by the resident cat of the current tenants and said, “We love cats!” This was pleasantly shocking to me as finding a rental with a cat has been nearly impossible. I even had one property manager say, “I HATE cats!” and then he corrected himself and tried to cover over what he just said but needless to say that our little Sally has complicated this house hunting process!

Nathaniel, Bethany and I had a few seconds to talk privately and all said that we loved it. So I approached Morty and told him that we were very interested, what should we do next? He got me a lease application and then called his wife to set up a lunch appointment to get to know her. This all suits Nathaniel, Bethany and me so much more than the impersonal aspect of a property management company. I filled out the application and then we followed Morty to the west side of town where we were meeting his wife Diane for lunch. We all ate lunch together and got to know one another. They are a very friendly couple who is easy to talk with and a joy to get to know. By the time lunch was finished we were signing a lease and paying for the deposit without any mention of references (our rental references are in Mexico which has made this whole process very difficult!) credit checks (my credit is lousy because of our short sale and my limited credit as a single person.) or calling our character references. (Which would be great but time consuming).

 

God really orchestrated the open doors of this meeting from start to finish. Everything went so smoothly and it was clearly God’s timing and God’s choice for a house for our family. Morty and Diane also shared that they typically wait for a tenant to move out of a property before advertising it. Diane wanted to wait until the beginning of July to advertise the house but Morty said, “Why don’t we list it now, you never know when someone might rent it even when it is occupied with someone else’s belongings.” If they had waited we never would have found it! Also, it is amazing that I was even looking for a house on Sunday afternoon. It just wasn’t the “right” time for me to be doing this. Had I not looked it would have been rented as they had many calls and inquiries about it.

We will be moving in on July 1st which is less than three weeks from the one year anniversary of Gary's death. God has been so faithful to carry us through this very tragic and difficult time.

God’s fingerprints were all over finding this house and we are eternally grateful for his provision.

Isaiah 43:18-19

 “Remember not the former things,
    nor consider the things of old.
 Behold, I am doing a new thing;
    now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?
I will make a way in the wilderness
    and rivers in the desert."

 

Journey to Mitford

This spring in the Moore home, as the relentless snow and rain continued to fall, Nathaniel, Bethany and I began to read the Mitford Series books. Until this winter I had never heard of Mitford or Jan Karon the author. These books have captivated our hearts and brought an unusual sense of encouragement into our lives.

The main character, “Father Tim” is an Episcopal priest. What many of you do not realize is that even though Gary went to a very traditional conservative Bible school he finished his ministry education at an Episcopal seminary in Pittsburgh! Gary never felt called to jump through the hoops in order to become an ordained Episcopal priest but a lot of the references in the book remind me of things that Gary shared with me about his days teaching as a parish priest in order to fulfill his seminary requirements.

It is a very spiritual series of books where the author makes no hesitation to weave the gospel message throughout the delightful happenings in the fictitious town of Mitford, North Carolina. If I were ever to finally sit down and put pen to paper, these are the type of books that I would write. The whole process of reading these has been very inspirational for me on many levels.

One thing that I have found delightful is that the main character, Timothy, is in his early sixties and finds the love of his life in Cynthia his next door neighbor. The unfolding of their relationship is central to the first three books and perfectly mirrors the type of relationship that I am comfortable with. Timothy and Cynthia were close friends before they ever went out on a “date”. The whole idea of dating a stranger sends shivers of fear up my back and sounds foreign and terrifying. However, with Timothy and Cynthia it happened naturally and in a very Godly and pure way. Yet, their relationship was not without real life struggles and obstacles to their eventual marriage.

In some unusual way these fictitious characters have been a big source of encouragement for me. You see, my only frame of reference to being single is who I was when I met Gary. I was still living with my parents.

I was very young, carefree, naïve, and honestly very immature in many ways. As I think about being “single” now that my beloved husband has died, that picture of who I once was just doesn’t make sense to me. How can I go back and be that silly blond haired girl who didn’t have a care in the world or an ounce of sense or maturity? Yet, when I get a glimpse of love through Father Tim and his relationship with Cynthia, I see how love can happen later in life without reverting back and becoming a 40 something teenager! Jan Karon, does a wonderful presentation of mature and Godly love that is not lacking in passion and delight for one another.

This was one aspect of Gary’s and my marriage that was unique. As our love matured, we never lost the simple, yet remarkable pleasure of being head over heels in love with each other. We would look at other couples our age, or those who had been married as long as we had, and they all seemed as though the passion and pleasure had long since disappeared from their lives. We worked hard at making sure that we never took each other for granted or that we never lost the delight that we had in being married to each other.

We greatly enjoyed the simple pleasure of lighting a few candles, turning on a jazz CD and eating Chinese takeout together. Sometimes our kiddos would get in on the “event” and would set a beautiful table for us, with candles and goblets and our pretty dishes, while Gary and I “dressed” for dinner. I would wear my clingy deep purple dress that swirled around real pretty when I danced and he would wear his handsome tweed jacket with his special blue hued tie. During dinner we would share our hearts and souls with each other and then he would take me in his arms and dance with me.
 

Other times we would have a picnic together outside in “Mooreview Park” under our blossoming apple tree, relaxing swing and blooming flowers. No matter what the day or what the plans were, we were always very deeply and passionately in love. Even when we were arguing, and YES we did have some whoppers of fights, we still melted when we looked at each other and always walked in the pleasure and passion of our deep and Godly love. Even when we were at the gym together, covered in sweat and determination, Gary would walk past me and whisper, “Hey babe” softly in my ear as he walked to the next weight set.

This is what I so appreciate about the Mitford books. Father Tim and Cynthia aren’t too old to have passion and pleasure in their marriage. I was afraid that there wasn’t anyone else in the whole world that would be older and wiser yet not have lost the enchantment and delight in being in love and the enjoyment walking through this crazy life together! Of course these are fictitious characters but it still gives me hope. Hope that there can be delightful love at a later age in life. And that this older love doesn’t have to be leftovers like a meatloaf ignored in the back of the refrigerator! Who wants a leftover meatloaf marriage! I want a sizzling Habanero carne asada marriage, with spiritual depth and intricacies of flavor!

So as we continue our journey through “Mitford” God will continue to use these books as a great encouragement in my life. This is the type of love that God blessed me with in Gary and this is the type of love that he will bless me with in my future. Jan Karon is a very talented author. She brought Father Tim and Cynthia together. But my God is the all powerful author of my life and he will orchestrate it in ways that I could not even begin to hope or imagine. What an exciting life we lead in obedience to our father God!
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Leaning into Grief

I haven’t written in awhile but I’ve had a lot swimming around in my heart regarding grief. First of all, March was the most difficult month so far in this 8 month journey. I can’t even begin to describe the depths of agony that we have gone through. I would go on my 3-mile prayer walk and be doubled in half, in gut wrenching sobs as I tried to see clear enough through  my tears to not walk into the middle of the road or walk off the side of a bridge.

Bethany described life right now as being “very sad” while Nathaniel’s grief has been a constant ache of sorrow that doesn’t change much but never goes away. Yet, I also feel that we have rounded some type of bend in March that is rather difficult to explain but I know that something major has changed. For one thing, I am realizing that this pain is not going to go away any time soon. But I have also learned that the presence of sorrow does not mean an absence of joy. The presence of pain also does not mean that I cannot go on with my life and begin again. In the past 8  months I would experience moments, sometimes a few days at a time, of happiness and great relief. It was at those times that I thought I was ready to begin again and discover what the next 30 years or so of my life in Christ was to look like. Yet, those times of happiness and relief from grief were short lived.

During all this time I’ve been looking for the relief of pain as sort of a cosmic nod of the head that it was time for me to move onward. What I am beginning to realize is that in the great loss of my husband, the pain is always going to be there to one degree or another. If I sit around waiting on the pain to go away in order to begin my life again, I will be waiting in my misery for a very long time. The lesson I have learned is that it is possible to live a new life in Christ with an enormous amount of sorrow in my heart. I can live again, love again, and laugh again while there is still a gaping hole in my heart from the loss of my dear Gary. Living without pain is not my goal but living as a servant unto the Lord is what my life is about. I am realizing that it is impossible to run from this pain therefore, in order to live I need to lean into the pain and not fight it. I can lean into it and still move forward. I can lean into it and still laugh, love and rejoice. I can lean into my pain of incredible loss while discovering newness of life.

On the other hand, I do not mean a numb acceptance of depression. That is the furthest thing from my mind. What I am talking about is the very real and vibrant awareness of the depths of the ache in my heart yet no longer fighting it but learning to rejoice and move forward within it. Within the pain…..that is a very new concept for me. My whole goal from the beginning of this journey was to get THROUGH the agony. And now I am realizing that the path laid before me is not to get through the pain but to lean into it and allow my life in Christ to be changed by it. I think this is what the author of “Things Unseen” was trying to communicate but I was too deep into my grief and sorrow to really grasp his message. I think the point of all of this is realizing that yes, I can live again but the pain is still going to be there. It will be there if I remarry, it will be there if I get a wonderful home, a secure job, and a lovely town to live in. The pain will be there no matter what I do. The only thing that could take away this pain of grief is to have my dear husband resurrected from his grave of ashes buried under the lemon tree in the back yard of our house in Taxco.

So here we are 8 months into our journey of grief and now instead of trying so hard to get THROUGH this journey we are realizing that we are in this journey for life. My life and the lives of my children have been forever changed, marred, hurt, and wounded. In the words of Sense and Sensibility “they just lost their father, their lives will never be the same.” There’s no way to just “GET THROUGH” to the other side of grief but to learn to live our life in Christ within our grief and allow the pain to take us constantly to the cross of Christ and into the arms of our savior. Yes, I am ready to begin again. I am ready to see what the next 30 years of my life in Christ will look like. But yes, the grip of sorrow and the sting of death is ever present in our lives. We are no longer trying to get through this journey but now learning to live within our pain, lean into it and see the work of Christ and the suffering and victory of His cross in the midst of our sorrow.

Ignorance and a Passion for Knowledge

Ignorance shrouded my early life. I was cloaked in a murky coat of lack of knowledge that was like a dark cloud over my life. Never being taught how to learn I was slow in gaining ground in self education. I was 32 years old before I stepped foot in my first library. I actually was very scared of this first experience. I didn’t know what to expect or what to do! Slowly, as I began to digest the ability to learn, I grew to have an insatiable appetite for it. Now it is my delight and pleasure to check out hundreds of books a year at the local library, mostly in the area of research and education. I actually rarely read a book simply out of pleasure because I gain such enjoyment in the learning process that anything less than that leaves me let down and desiring so much more.

Every area that I have a measure of proficiency in has either been self taught, God taught or Gary taught in my life. I never went to college; I never was required to do well in school or to complete my homework. Everything about me I have learned as an adult with my own resourcefulness. All of my cooking skills have come through self education. All of my writing skills have come through painstakingly learning how to construct sentences and the beautiful use of language. My parenting skills came from the mountain of books I read when my children were small as well as Gary’s wealth of wisdom and knowledge. Of course my Biblical knowledge has come from being taught and mentored by my dear husband.

To say that I have overcompensated for a very difficult beginning in life would probably be an understatement. I was so deprived of learning that I have an unusual thirst for knowledge. This passion for knowledge has served me well and has given me the perseverance to press on through the difficulties of learning a skill in order to see it through to excellence. It has allowed me to see that learning is a lifelong adventure and that the moment I take my last breath is the first moment that I will have ceased to learn upon this earth, only to begin to learn of Heavenly things. Bottom line; I love the pursuit of knowledge, understanding and wisdom.

However, Gary’s death and the last year of his life have been enveloped in confusion and ignorance. This is an area of my life where there is layer upon layer of grief that I am in the process of excavating within the quarry of my heart.

I am writing this blog basically as my grief journal. You are welcome to read my writings but I am not composing this for anyone but for my own journey of grieving the loss of my husband. My feelings and experiences are simply that; my feelings and experiences. For me, the confusion and lack of a medical conclusion, regarding Gary’s death has been one of the most difficult issues for me to face. Here I am, a woman who thrives on knowing things and having accurate information and I am faced with losing the most important person in my life without being given a medical explanation as to what happened.

I know that Gary and I both had some very unhealthy eating and lifestyle habits in our past and I truly do not know how much that affected the outcome of his life span. I do know though that he had lost weight, got in shape and had stellar cholesterol and medical checkups just weeks before we left for Mexico. He literally had rippling muscles from weight lifting and for a 63 year old man was able to work, lift, and run better than many men half his age. He gardened, dug trenches for our sprinkler system, lifted sod, and shoveled rock as we delighted in working on the outdoors of our home together. We ate organics and had a competition for who could get the lowest healthy ratio cholesterol and Gary won by 30 points! His stats were way better than healthy average and his medical exams necessary to get our visas for living in Mexico all came back that he was in wonderful health. We literally thought that he would live another 30 years on the mission field proclaiming the gospel and watching his grandchildren teach and preach!

We were thoroughly unprepared, not only for his sudden death, but the peculiar things that clouded the last 9 months of his life. There were “signs” that he was having major heart problems but because of his prior level of health and the fact that he lost an additional 20 pounds during our first year in Mexico, we didn’t take these signs seriously and even if we would have we wouldn’t have known how to get him medical help where we lived in Southern Mexico. I now believe that he had several major heart attacks during the last year of his life, that went untold to us by Gary and somewhat unnoticed by his family. There were signs that something was drastically wrong but given our life in a new culture and the restoration of our home, it was easy to ignore what was going on and assume it was cultural adjustments or the tremendous work load associated with our ministry center.

The death report that I hold in my hands is written in Spanish and says that my husband died of an accidental wound to the head. A dear friend who is a cardiologist nurse thinks that it may have been a seizure or an aneurysm from his genetic vein disorder in his right leg. My diagnosis is sudden cardiac arrest. One person suggested a severe staph infection that affected his heart. I’ve even pondered an undiagnosed cancer that weakened his heart. Did he get lightheaded from his mitro valve prolapse (heart murmur) and as he passed out did he actually hit his head hard enough of the pavement to cause death from the fall?

Minutes after his death our home filled with Mexican police armed with machine guns. What I believe was the equivalent of a coroner was telling us that we must bury him immediately, IMMEDIATELY, have him cremated IMMEDIATELY or ship his body back to the States IMMEDIATELY. For a nation stereotyped as having siestas and a slow pace of life, the moments after Gary’s death were nothing resembling slow and calm.

One of the things that haunts me is my dear son pleading with the officials, “Can’t we have a little more time to figure out what to do?” NO! They would not agree to give us any more time. I didn’t have one moment to call any family back home not even his two adult sons and their wives. We were whisked from one government office to another for hours upon hours during that horrible day of his death. We had his body taken to a neighboring town to be cremated, forever eliminating any possibility of my knowing medically what happened to my beloved husband. 

This lack of knowledge really bothers me. I find myself being immobilized in fear that I am just going to fall over dead for no apparent reason because this is what seemingly happened to Gary. If I knew what had been wrong in his body, at least I could tell myself that the same thing isn’t wrong in my body or my children’s bodies so I can live in a measure of peace. Between the suddenness of his death and the mystery surrounding it, my life has been sucked into a vortex of a fear of death. Not a fear of eternity but a fear of death.

I don’t want to go into all the theological and faith aspects of this area of grief for this is in fact my journal and I am being brutally honest within it. All three of us have suffered in this area. Recently someone fainted in front of Nathaniel and he had to walk away as others woke up the guy who was fine but whose fainting had a tremendous affect upon Nathaniel’s wounded emotions. Bethany couldn’t handle her cat meowing for months after Gary’s death because even the cat’s meow sent Bethany into flash backs of her daddies death. For me the flashbacks and fears associated with this horrific event have been massive. Because Gary’s death seemingly happened without reason and certainly without any medical explanation, the residual effects of that lack of knowledge and of the suddenness have been very difficult to deal with.

I have come to terms with God’s timing and trust him that his hand was upon Gary’s life as well as his death. I know that the days of Gary’s life were known by God from the foundation of the world. Gary’s death did not take God by surprise. Yet all of that doesn’t change the fact that it was the most dreadful event for our family to walk through. There was no diagnosis of cancer. No heart disease. No prognosis of high blood pressure, high cholesterol or hardening of the arteries. One minute he was declared to be in stellar health and the next moment he is lying dead on our driveway.

It’s almost as if he was lost as sea or a victim of war whose body is never found and the family is left to wonder what really happened to their loved one. If I knew why he died then all of the events surrounding his death could better be understood. Why were there such moaning and gurgling sounds coming from him? Why did he say, “Oh wow” right before he fell over? Was it pain? Was it Jesus? Was it a feeling of his heart exploding? His brain exploding? What was it that happened to him? Why did he roll around on the pavement totally unconscious but with such loud moans and groans? What was happening in his body? I know he was probably observing the scene as he was being welcomed into the arms of Jesus. He probably heard me crying out to Jesus. He probably saw Nathaniel giving him CPR and he probably saw his little girl standing in the doorway crying as she watched her daddy die. He probably wasn’t aware of pain but at that point was looking into the eyes of his savior as Stephen did as he was being stoned for his faith.

Yet, his body was part of the Gary that I knew and desperately loved. I saw him lose bladder control. I felt his arm quiver. I heard him moan and saw him roll around. I saw his body react violently to something? But to what? I can only conjecture what may have happened to my beloved husband and this is very difficult for me to deal with, the woman who has such a thirst for knowledge doesn’t even know why her healthy husband suddenly fell over dead one warm July afternoon.

So I’m writing this to attempt to work through these emotions of grief and shock. I have made progress. The first time I wrote about this I was quaking violently throughout my body. And now I can write about it without a strong physical reaction. I know however that there are more layers to this area of grief to uncover and deal with.

I am seeing that grief isn't just losing a person but everything surrounding the death as well. There is a sense of grief in not knowing how or why my husband died. This is a layer of grief that must be dealt with and so I write, not for you all but for me. I write in hopes that the telling of this story will bring a measure of healing and peace to my emotions and to my tendency to fear that any second one of us is going to just drop over dead like a thin summer dress hanging on a clothes line thrown to the ground by a strong gust of wind.

Yes, life is fragile but I don't believe it is meant to be as fragile as all of this. I think our feelings of fragility are based upon the suddenness and unexplained nature of Gary's death. Yet, there was certainly a reason for his death. He didn't simply die at 64 years of age for no apparent reason. Because we don't know why his life was ended so quickly and without explanation, it is difficult to put logical sense to it. Therefore, all of life seems like we are walking on a precipice and could fall of at any second.  These are the emotions that I hope to work through in prayer, in writing, and in learning how to deal, in an emotionally healthy way, with this traumatic event.

God has brought an enormous measure of healing and I trust Him to continue his mighty work in our hearts and emotions as we walk this way of grief held tightly in his arms of love!

 

 

Second Week at Ellerslie

We are entering our second week at Ellerslie. God is really ripping my heart apart in order to bring healing to me. It seems that every area that was so important to Gary and me in ministry, I am being led through the agony and the healing of facing it. I cannot even begin to describe what has been happening in my heart but honestly in every area of intimacy in the Spirit that Gary and I shared together and the depth of our Christian walk together, I am being led through each aspect by the Spirit and he is bringing healing to the depths of my soul.

I realize now what a huge area of grief that had remained in my heart. It was an area that I tucked carefully away and labeled, “Gary and Rachel’s spiritual life together”.  In the past 7 months I have gone through so many areas of grief. I have forced myself to face each aspect of my love for my beloved husband. I cannot even begin to list each area of grief that I have faced and worked through during these nearly 7 months. And yet one huge area remained and that was my spiritual walk with my husband. I think I ignored this because it was so very deeply painful. And now I am face to face with it and it is good but also covered in sorrow.  

This afternoon (Sunday) we at Ellerslie had a corporate time of seeking God and meditating on scripture from 1:00-3:30. As I lay on my bed with my Bible, Bethany sat outside in the grass (it was a beautifully warm day!) and Nathaniel sat out by the lake on a park bench, I realized how “normal” this was for our family. On any given Sunday during our life together with Gary, we would all go to church together and then come home for our family worship and Bible study. No matter where we went to church our children always considered “Dad” to be their pastor. It was simply never a question in their mind even though we never gave him this title in our home. Most times we would have family worship and then an hour to an hour and a half of an intense Bible study. Other times we would separately seek God. But always Sunday afternoon and evening was a set apart time for the things of God.

Every Sunday until Gary died that is…….Suddenly our lives changed drastically. Suddenly every hymn or passage of scripture brought huge tsunamis of grief. We knew how to seek God separately but not alone. Let me explain. We as a couple learned how to deeply seek God together as well as on our own but always always always we were a unit. If I was seeking God in the kitchen and Gary was seeking God in our bedroom, we may be apart but we were still a team, a unit, and we were “together” even though we weren’t in the same room. When we had children we developed in them the same ability to seek God deeply, go to the Word in study and on our faces before Jesus in prayer. Yet, even if I had my intense prayer time at 5:00 am and Nathaniel had his intense prayer time at 8:00 am and Gary and Bethany a different time, we were still all in unity and all doing the same type of seeking although sometimes at different hours of the day. After Gary died we felt such a loss of that unity. Suddenly Gary and I weren’t a unified team any more. Suddenly I was alone and the felt spiritual isolation was more than I could bear. Suddenly the source of my greatest joy and comfort became the source of my greatest sorrow and grief. The spiritual aspect of my marriage was the most precious ingredient of our life together and I couldn’t face the grief of the tremendous loss.

And yet, God is faithful to complete His work within us. Here we are at Ellerslie being “forced” to face each area of our spiritual life with Gary and the pain of grief is deep. The orchestration of the Spirit is amazing. No one at Ellerslie knew Gary and me prior to his death. They have no idea what specific aspects were vital to us, yet each and every area is being dealt with whether it’s easy or not.

For instance, tonight we had a tremendous worshipful evening. It was full of the intimacy that defines true worship and entering into the Holy of Holies. One of the things that they did was read a list of names of God. “Deliverer, Redeemer, Savior,” etc etc. What is amazing about this is that the study of the Names of God was one of Gary’s delights and passions. He also wrote Psalms or poems if you will on different names of God. Actually, my very first memory of Gary that set him apart from everyone else was when he was leading a retreat that I attended. During worship, without any fanfare or interruption, Gary picked up his folder of his list of names of God and quietly began to read them out loud. It brought such a sweet spirit of worship into the room that I’ve never forgotten that moment. At every family retreat day that we had and every weekend “Feast of Tabernacles” celebration we always had the names of God binder sitting out so that the four of us could access it in our personal worship. I’ve never once been in a corporate church setting where the names of God were read as Gary had read them 19 years ago at a single’s retreat in Pittsburgh Pennsylvania, until tonight!

God is just taking us through every aspect of our spiritual life with Gary and gently guiding us through facing our grief and giving us back this extremely precious area of our life.

This afternoon as we were all seeking God, I realized what this will accomplish in our lives after spending two months here at Ellerslie. No longer will Rees Howells and Andrew Murray represent Gary and our life with him but it will be part of the wonderful memories of Ellerslie. We will once again be in the habit of seeking God on a Sunday afternoon and it won’t be filled with agony of loss but memories of sweet fellowship here in Windsor. The teaching of who we are “In Christ”, the teaching of the power of grace, and the love and focus on the truth of scripture will no longer solely remind us of our loss in Gary but will be full of new memories of these 9 weeks.

This is totally a spirit led season of dealing with our grief and it is amazing. The way a person works through grief is to face each aspect of our life with our beloved, grieve its loss and then go on to either make it solely our own and not something that we must share with our beloved or leave it nicely in the past full of the memories of our life together. I cannot believe how tailor made this is for us to work through our grief in this area.

I don’t want to minimize the depth of teaching and how glorious it is to dwell in the presence of God 24/7 on this campus. Yet, working through grief is all part of that. We cannot really serve God if we are broken and dysfunctional people. God desires his people to work through the areas of brokenness and dysfunction in order to seek him in fullness walking in emotional and spiritual health. So as we are literally on our faces before God he is taking us through these areas of grief, which can “sound” too clinical but in reality it isn’t clinical in the slightest.

Therefore, this evening was the most powerful and intimate corporate worship night that I’ve ever been a part of. Yet, a large section of the evening, well to be honest, the entire evening I was focused in my prayers and in my worship on grief. It was a God ordained focus as he works his healing grace into my heart. Ironically the scripture that was interwoven into the worship was the “Song of Solomon”! Cough……sputter….weep….and wail....! I mean really! What could be a more painful message to a grieving widow than the Song of Solomon??? Yet, God used it deeply in my heart to shower me with his presence as lover of my soul. It was an amazing time of deep worship that I will treasure the rest of my life.  I am seeing Jesus in a way that I never saw Him before. I have been a servant of God and a worshipper of the Most High but I’ve never really grasp my position and delight in being the bride of Christ. During this season of intense focus I am beginning to understand in my Spirit a tiny bit about what being the bride of Christ means. I never pursued it before because I was the “Bride of Gary” and we sought and served our God together. But now that I am alone the ever present truth of being the Bride of Christ is coming alive to me.

So even though the “grief work” is intense, the healing power of God is greater still. He is pouring his presence upon me in amazing ways and I praise Him for his love and his grace upon our lives.