Goodbye my love

My Dear Husband,

 You have been gone from us for a year now. A whole year; it’s difficult to believe that it has been a full year and yet it often feels like it has been centuries and centuries since you last held me in your arms. Sometimes I try to picture you walking through the door. Everything has changed, not only are we not in Mexico but we are no longer in Loveland. The “door” that you would walk through goes into a house that you’ve never called home. So picturing you here with us is difficult and painful.
 

The kids and I are doing well. For awhile I didn’t think that I would survive. I almost lost my mind in a tsunami of grief. I honestly didn’t know if I would pull out of the depths of sorrow. I was trying so hard and yet sinking further down into despair. Yet, God is so faithful and so gracious. He rescued me and has given me the opportunity to joyfully thrive and move on in my life without you.
 

But because I have been doing so well, I have been thinking of the scene in Family Man, the scene at the end that always made me cry softly in your arms as we held each other and watched that movie for the 80^th time. And I know that a tear would be glistening in your eye as well. It’s the scene where Jack decides to not give up in trying to win Kate back. He’s at the airport yelling to her across all the people about their children, about their love, and about their life together. He says, “I know we could both go on with our separate lives and we would be okay, but I know what we can be together. I know our love and I know how good we are together and I choose us”. Remember how we would always say that to each other? "I choose us!" I still remember you singing to me "la la la la means I love you". Recently I’ve been thinking so often of that scene in the airport. I finally can see that the kids and I are going to be alright, we’re going to go on with our life and be okay. BUT…..I know what the two of us can be together and Gary, I choose us! I want to scream at you to not get on that plane. Please Gary don’t go to Paris, not tonight”. But the snow never begins to fall, the glimpse never becomes reality, and you are gone.  And my life now is just a fading memory of what we had, the depth of love that we shared, and the passion with which we loved.

I lie in this big bed alone, I’ve taken your side because my side was too painful. As soon as I was on my side it seemed as though you should be lying there next to me. I couldn’t bare the pain. I have a new bed of course as I couldn’t move ours from Mexico. It’s really comfortable and beautiful, you would really enjoy it. I have girly bedding now though, which you would have only tolerated at best. I miss holding your hand as I fall asleep. How many countless years did we do that? Every single night we held hands and it was torture when you left me to have no warm hand to slip my fingers into when I crawled into bed at night. I miss making love to you and the depths and the joys of intimacy that we shared. More than anything, I miss sitting on the backyard swing with your arm around me as we would gently swing for hours. I miss your friendship and the fellowship in the things of God so very much. I make friends fairly easily but you and I shared a depth of spiritual intimacy that I’ve never had with anyone else. I want so badly to talk about the things of God with you, worship with you and to pray with you. We were truly one in the Spirit and I really miss having that unity with another person.

Nathaniel and Bethany are doing very well. They love you so much and miss you tremendously. We all miss your Bible teaching more than any other aspect of our life together. What a tremendous Godly legacy you have left with our children. We all have found Bible study difficult this year because when we pick up our Bibles all we “hear” throughout the pages is dad’s voice. “Is it Paul or is it Dad???” we jokingly say. It’s just been so very painful to read those words that you taught for so many years and yet you are not here with us. I had to buy a new Bible without your our bible study notes, in order to be able to freely read scripture again. I cherish your teaching but it was just too painful for me right now to be bombarded with such a deep loss every time I opened my Bible.

We unpacked all of your books and amazingly they all made the rough journey from Mexico without harm. I’ve organized them differently than you always did and they are in the living room now rather than the office. As I unpacked each commentary or study book your life and your fingerprints were upon everything as they are etched upon our hearts.

So tomorrow marks the end of the first year without you. My year of grief has ended and I am saying goodbye to you for the last time. You will always be a significant and beautiful part of my life but you will never be my husband ever again and I am allowing you to dwell in the joyful memories of my past as I press on to what God has for me in the future. I am so very grateful for the 18 wonderful years that we had together. I wouldn't trade a second of it for anything. I will cherish you and love you forever. Yet, with God's grace I am transferring my relationship with you and the intensity of my love for you to the past because that is when we were married. It is amazing to me to realize that I am the age now that you were when we got married on that warm November day so many years ago. This knowledge gives me hope. I realize that even though our life together was amazing and that our love was deep and tremendously intimate, that God is not finished with me yet and that he has a plan and purpose for me.

 

So honey, I am releasing you to your Heavenly home and saying goodbye one last time. Thank you for being the type of husband and father that it nearly killed us to walk through losing you! You were an incredible husband and father and we will cherish and love you always.

 

All my love for all time
remember la la la la la means I love you..............

Rachel

 

 

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