I am sitting in our living room in Gary's pjs sipping a cup of fresh coffee while watching the snow swiftly fall into the evergreen trees that surround our home. The calendar tells me that it is officially spring but in Colorado that means our biggest snow storms of the year. I am enjoying this snuggly evening and the fleeting beauty of winters last struggle to blanket everything in white.
This blog has been focused on getting through grief and the enormous struggle of beginning a new life together as a family of three. It's been about God making a way in the wilderness for my children and me. It's been about the tremendous struggle and ultimate triumph of walking through grief. I haven't written in awhile. I suppose that is because I feel the subject of grief lessening and therefore, I haven't had the profundity of writing that I did in the beginning.
I have had countless people encourage me to write a book. However, writing is born out of passion and not a terribly effective way to pay the rent and send my children to college. Still, I tell myself that one day I will write that book. I don't know if "one day" will ever come but I have been pondering subject matter titles. The one thing that came to me as a theme is "Beyond breathing".
In grieving circles it seems to be the common advice when going through the initial stages of grief to be told by loved ones, "just breathe". When Nathaniel, Bethany and I were in our first months of our terrible loss, the idea of just getting through the next breath really made sense to me. I could barely put one foot in front of the other and so learning how to breathe without my beloved was an essential part of the process.
Yet, months later I began to get annoyed at this same advice that gave me comfort early on. I wanted to scream at people. "I'VE LEARNED HOW TO BREATHE! NOW PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT MY BELOVED!!!"
I think that is what is on my heart right now. I would love to minister to the grieving ones and help them learn how to live a full and joyful life after such a tremendous loss.
How did I learn to get "beyond breathing"? First and foremost it was the total grace of God. There's no other way to explain how far he has brought me and how deeply he has ministered his healing hand to my heart and life.
One thing that I know was key was to pursue and embrace the future. I don't think it was any particularly noble action on my part. It was really the only survival mechanism that I knew. "I MUST get through this for my children" was the constant mantra running through my head. "I MUST progress toward our future together." "I MUST learn how to live each day without my beloved!" I MUST press on, otherwise I will crumble up and never survive this pain."
One of the last things that Gary said to me was that where I used to have a tremendous capacity for physical perseverance in exercise, God had now given me spiritual perseverance that he was going to use to get me through times of great trial. Little did Gary or I realize that he was speaking of my getting through his own death. But this word of encouragement to me really has been true as God has given me incredible perseverance to get through this. I give him all the praise for without him I could do nothing and I am completely aware of my dependence upon his grace to keep me alive throughout this journey.
Another aspect of getting "beyond breathing" has been allowing the pain to soften me rather than to harden me. It is a fact of life that there is beauty in the fountain of youth but there is also a deep penetrating beauty in an elderly man or woman. However, the aged are only beautiful if they have been softened by the years. There is nothing more ugly than someone who has an old calloused heart that shows in their posture as well as in their countenance. To me this is the most grievous thing to happen as a person travels through their years.
I knew that the tragedy of loss that I had gone through had a power over me to either mold me into a soft, kind, and Godly woman of years or turn me into an old bitter woman living alone in her anger. I cried out to God during this past year and a half, "soften my heart oh God, please protect me from being hardened by this pain!" And God in his grace and mercy has done just that! I've learned to get "beyond breathing" by being purposeful with my children and not allowing the grief to consume us. We have learned to enjoy life together as a family of three. We have special dinners, fun game days, reading parties, and movie nights with pizza for the three of us. At first it was difficult to plan all of these things for "just" three people. And yet I knew that it was not only important in the realm of getting through grief but it was also important to build these memories for my children. They were 14 and 15 years old when their daddy died suddenly before their eyes. I don't want the memories of their teen years to be full of a grief filled and sorrow filled mother. So God in his grace has given our family a spirit of rejoicing! We play, we sing, we have fun together and we have become a complete family unit despite our tremendous loss.
Some days the grief still hits hard and heavy. Sometimes I still cry myself to sleep. And occasionally I still asked Bethany to crawl into bed with me because I'm having a really rough time. But for the most part we have now learned how to get "beyond breathing" and God has cared for us in tremendous ways and healed our hearts deeply during these past 20 months.
There's still many more areas to learn and grow. There's times when breathing seems to be the only accomplishment that I can claim. Yet, in so many ways God has made a Way in The Wilderness and he has done incredible new things in our lives!
“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” Is. 43:18-19
