Lord of The Rings-The Final Journey

Tonight ended the final journey of the fellowship as I finished the last book in the Tolkien Trilogy "The Lord of The Rings". Something very unusual happened as I read about the return of the Hobbits to the Shire.


 I was stunned at how personally their return journey impacted me . It was a very unexpected culmination of my reading this brilliant fantasy novel about Middle Earth. How could I relate to Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo from the Shire? 

"Well here we are, just the four of us that started out together," said Merry. "We have left all the rest behind, one after another. It seems almost like a dream that has slowly faded." "Not to me," said Frodo. "To me it feels more like falling asleep". 

"They sat with the family in the warm kitchen, and the Cottons asked a few polite questions about their travels, but hardly listed to the answers: they were far more concerned with events in the Shire." 

"Well be off with you"! said Rosie. "If You've been looking after Mr. Frodo all this while, what you'd want to leave him for, as soon as things look dangerous?" 

This was too much for Sam. It needed a week's answer, or none. He turned away and mounted his pony" 



"I am wounded," Frodo answered, wounded and it will never really heal" 

"Yes, said Gandalf; for it will be better to ride back three together than one alone. Well, here at last, dear friends, on the shores of the Sea comes the end of our fellowship in Middle-earth. go in peace! I will not say: do not weep; for not all tears are evil". 

"At last the three companions turned away, and never again looking back they road slowly homewards; and they spoke no word to one another until they came back to the Shire" 

Obviously, Tolkien's writings are powerful and as a skilled author he touches the very heart and soul of the reader, which is exactly what happened as I finished this trilogy. 

What effected me the most personally was the attempted return of the fellowship to their normal life and the way that things had been. Not only was the Shire ruined for the fellowship but the fellowship was ruined for the Shire. As Frodo said, it was "like going to sleep" after an incredible, horrendous and wondrous life. I suppose what he was describing was the same as C.S. Lewis "The Last Battle" where their previous life was just the shadow lands, that real life lie in Aslan's country. It seems that this is what Frodo was trying to express. Everything seemed colorless, dull and trivial after all that they had walked through. 

Our family is unique in many ways we aren't just returning missionaries and we aren't just a grieving mom and her children, we are both and this makes for an unusual combination. 

Also, our family approached going to the mission field very radically and counter to our modern Christian culture. With our pastor and our sending church's blessing, we sold everything that we owned, left our home, our friends, our financial security and our church and set out SITE UNSEEN to the mission field in Southern Mexico. We didn't know the language and we didn't know anyone in the town where we would be living. 

We faced enormous challenges from the moment we stepped onto the beautiful Mexican soil. We would have related to the fellowship before Gary died. Therefore, his death was a book in the trilogy of our journey but it wasn't the only book and it wasn't the only battle. 

Many times I feel like the above quote from Sam Gamgee when Rosie scolded him for leaving Frodo when things got dangerous. 
"This was too much for Sam. It needed a week's answer, or none. He turned away and mounted his pony" 

One man recently patted me condescendingly on the back and said, "Rachel, this is a time for you to begin to lean on God and trust him." 
Really....?
Many things require a week's answer or none at all, therefore many times I emotionally turn away and mount my pony.

The shire called Colorado looks different. The situations that once scared me seem foolish to me now and the things that once thrilled me seem trivial. Nathaniel, Bethany and I are battle worn, we've been holding our spiritual swords for many years but we have also been strengthened by the battle. We have our swords drawn and our bodies ready for the intensity of life on this fallen planet. Things that would have rocked our world 5 years ago are par for the course now. 

I am tremendously grateful that the battles have not given us a hardened heart but simply a strong spiritual perseverance. Actually, the Holy Spirit has softened my heart to the point where I cannot keep the tears back even under average circumstances. God has softened our hearts deeply but has given us a strength, a faith, and a perseverance of spirit that we never had before the trilogy of our life's novel. 

"I am wounded," Frodo answered, wounded and it will never really heal" And in that brokenness, God's strength becomes mighty and powerful! 

Reading this amazing work by Tolkien, during the past several months, has been deeply meaningful to me. The fellowship was broken in Mexico when Gary died and the three of us have journeyed onward back home to "the shire". 

 At last the three companions turned away, and never again looking back they road slowly homewards; and they spoke no word to one another until they came back to the Shire....... 

Beyond Breathing

I am sitting in our living room in Gary's pjs sipping a cup of fresh coffee while watching the snow swiftly fall into the evergreen trees that surround our home. The calendar tells me that it is officially spring but in Colorado that means our biggest snow storms of the year. I am enjoying this snuggly evening and the fleeting beauty of winters last struggle to blanket everything in white.

This blog has been focused on getting through grief and the enormous struggle of beginning a new life together as a family of three. It's been about God making a way in the wilderness for my children and me. It's been about the tremendous struggle and ultimate triumph of walking through grief. I haven't written in awhile. I suppose that is because I feel the subject of grief lessening and therefore, I haven't had the profundity of writing that I did in the beginning.

I have had countless people encourage me to write a book. However, writing is born out of passion and not a terribly effective way to pay the rent and send my children to college. Still, I tell myself that one day I will write that book. I don't know if "one day" will ever come but I have been pondering subject matter titles. The one thing that came to me as a theme is "Beyond breathing".

In grieving circles it seems to be the common advice when going through the initial stages of grief to be told by loved ones, "just breathe". When Nathaniel, Bethany and I were in our first months of our terrible loss, the idea of just getting through the next breath really made sense to me. I could barely put one foot in front of the other and so learning how to breathe without my beloved was an essential part of the process.

Yet, months later I began to get annoyed at this same advice that gave me comfort early on. I wanted to scream at people. "I'VE LEARNED HOW TO BREATHE! NOW PLEASE EXPLAIN TO ME HOW TO LIVE WITHOUT MY BELOVED!!!"

I think that is what is on my heart right now. I would love to minister to the grieving ones and help them learn how to live a full and joyful life after such a tremendous loss.

How did I learn to get "beyond breathing"? First and foremost it was the total grace of God. There's no other way to explain how far he has brought me and how deeply he has ministered his healing hand to my heart and life.

One thing that I know was key was to pursue and embrace the future. I don't think it was any particularly noble action on my part. It was really the only survival mechanism that I knew. "I MUST get through this for my children" was the constant mantra running through my head. "I MUST progress toward our future together." "I MUST learn how to live each day without my beloved!" I MUST press on, otherwise I will crumble up and never survive this pain."

One of the last things that Gary said to me was that where I used to have a tremendous capacity for physical perseverance in exercise, God had now given me spiritual perseverance that he was going to use to get me through times of great trial. Little did Gary or I realize that he was speaking of my getting through his own death. But this word of encouragement to me really has been true as God has given me incredible perseverance to get through this. I give him all the praise for without him I could do nothing and I am completely aware of my dependence upon his grace to keep me alive throughout this journey.

Another aspect of getting "beyond breathing" has been allowing the pain to soften me rather than to harden me. It is a fact of life that there is beauty in the fountain of youth but there is also a deep penetrating beauty in an elderly man or woman. However, the aged are only beautiful if they have been softened by the years. There is nothing more ugly than someone who has an old calloused heart that shows in their posture as well as in their countenance. To me this is the most grievous thing to happen as a person travels through their years.

 I knew that the tragedy of loss that I had gone through had a power over me to either mold me into a soft, kind, and Godly woman of years or turn me into an old bitter woman living alone in her anger. I cried out to God during this past year and a half, "soften my heart oh God, please protect me from being hardened by this pain!" And God in his grace and mercy has done just that!


I've learned to get "beyond breathing" by being purposeful with my children and not allowing the grief to consume us. We have learned to enjoy life together as a family of three. We have special dinners, fun game days, reading parties, and movie nights with pizza for the three of us. At first it was difficult to plan all of these things for "just" three people. And yet I knew that it was not only important in the realm of getting through grief but it was also important to build these memories for my children. They were 14 and 15 years old when their daddy died suddenly before their eyes. I don't want the memories of their teen years to be full of a grief filled and sorrow filled mother. So God in his grace has given our family a spirit of rejoicing! We play, we sing, we have fun together and we have become a complete family unit despite our tremendous loss.

Some days the grief still hits hard and heavy. Sometimes I still cry myself to sleep. And occasionally I still asked Bethany to crawl into bed with me because I'm having a really rough time. But for the most part we have now learned how to get "beyond breathing" and God has cared for us in tremendous ways and healed our hearts deeply during these past 20 months.

There's still many more areas to learn and grow. There's times when breathing seems to be the only accomplishment that I can claim. Yet, in so many ways God has made a Way in The Wilderness and he has done incredible new things in our lives!

“Remember not the former things, nor consider the things of old. Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it? I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert” Is. 43:18-19